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In which I nearly have a breakdown

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Things have been a little weird recently here at Chez Jem. When I posted Enter title here I was struggling more than I let on.

I was struggling to see the point of anything. I didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning, I didn’t see the point in going to work because I was too stupid & useless to do my job properly (and my ever-increasing todo list was proof of this), I thought Gaz was going to get fed up and leave me, I questioned my role as mum to my children, I was eating virtually nothing because I felt fat and ugly, etc etc.

I have never felt as angry, paranoid, insecure and well.. just generally shitty as I did in November. Early last week, my mood sunk to an all time low. I was angrily snapping at the people I love and then using their retorts as mental justification that everything wrong in my life was all my fault.

I am usually ridiculously laid back, so it was like being a completely different person. The scary part was not so much that though, but rather I couldn’t remember who I really was. It was almost like the ‘me’ before this black cloud surrounded me had never existed at all. I am not sure if I’ve ever truly experienced depression but I’m fairly sure that *that* was as close as I’ve ever been, and it was fucking terrifying. I felt like I had lost my identity and my “self”.

I put the black mood down to not running (it’s been really pissing me off) so I thought fuck it, and blew nearly £200 on an exercise bike I couldn’t afford (yay overdraft!) Of course, sod’s law, having received and assembled said exercise bike (I’m NEVER complaining about putting together IKEA furniture ever again) I’m now pretty certain that it wasn’t actually not running that’s caused my moods at all.

Around Thursday evening last week I suddenly began to feel… normal. This followed into Friday, and Saturday, and Sunday and here I am today still feeling normal. Normal. Like me again! I never thought I’d be so grateful for being me.

What changed? The only think I can think of is that it’s because I have finally had an actual period for the first time in ages. After months of stupidly short cycles, followed by an extra long one, I think I’ve been suffering from raging PMS symptoms. That and the withdrawal from the mini pill / starting a new one (combined pill) must have caused some sort of mad hormone-cocktail mess. I should have known what the progesterone withdrawal would have done to me: I’ve been there before.

Of course I could be wrong. It could be a complete coincidence that my symptoms are identical to when I came off the depo jabs years ago, but really I don’t care. As long as I don’t end up feeling like that again it’s all good.

Jem Turner +44(0)7521056376

9 comments so far

  1. Wenlock said:

    I’m glad you are feeling more ‘normal.’ Last year I had an operation, that solved 7yrs of almost continuous menstrual bleeding. In those 7yrs I had never had PMT. This year has been challenging, for me, and those close to me. After a year, I think I am just getting used to it, and a bit more in control.

    • Jem said:

      I can’t imagine what a relief it must be to finally stop bleeding, only to end up with PMT symptoms! It’s hard being a woman sometimes.

  2. Jenni said:

    This post made me feel a bit sad, not just because you’ve had a bad time, but because this is how I feel most days. Still onwards and hopefully upwards :)

    • Jem said:

      I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about your comment and trying to think of the “right” thing to say – something perhaps that I needed to hear/read during my recent low points. I couldn’t think of anything that I wouldn’t have just dismissed because I was feeling so bloody cynical all the time. So while I can’t think of the “right” thing, or any sensible advice, I will say that should you need to talk or rant or just discuss the weather give me a shout at any time Jenni – email, twitter, facebook, I even answer the phone occasionally.

  3. Kya said:

    I am sorry to hear that you have been going through so much lately. :( I am glad to hear that you are feeling more normal. Sometimes it’s very hard. :(

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