I was going to write a long boring post today about all the shit that I’ve gone through this year. It’s a lot of shit. In the past few weeks alone I’ve felt the sting of death, twice, and helplessly watched my son crying out in fear and pain as a doctor manipulates his pudgy limbs to check for signs of a broken bone. I’m stressing constantly about my housing situation, which seems to fluctuate between “nearly fixed” and “hopeless stream of paperwork”. I miss my bunnies. I’m trying to give up my self employment to help my mental health but I can’t actually afford to do so and the prospect scares me.
But that would make me cry and I’ve shed so many tears lately I’m not sure I have any left in me to shed.
Instead I’m going to try and tell you all the good things about this year. Like finding the strength to leave a dead relationship, finally. And somehow having the luck and good fortune to step out of that relationship straight into another, quite without intending to, bringing me happiness unlike anything I’ve never known. Allowing me to experience things I never thought I would: trust, respect, autonomy, love without conditions.
I’d like to tell you about the joy of seeing my little girl pick up a book, sound out phonemes until she’s figured out a word, string words together until she has a sentence and ultimately read a book. My little girl enjoying something that has always been incredibly important to me, something that I hope will become just as important to her in years to come.
I want to talk a little about my little boy who turned around recently and counted to 20, just like that, except maybe missing a number in the teens but I’ll forgive him that because last time I checked he’d only learned how to count up to 7.
I need to talk about the immense feeling of pride I felt when I sat and listened to my Granddad talk about the love he felt for his beautiful wife and his children. How privileged I felt to hear his stories, realising how hard he worked to provide for his family. (And not think about the regret I feel for not visiting him more when I had the chance.)
I can’t talk about the positives of this year without a nod to the BeEx-ers who welcomed me into their little ‘family’, allowing me to enjoy their company and share their laughter (and Smirnoff Ice).
I have to mention the amazing people who have supported me in my effort to raise £20,000 without whom I wouldn’t be able to pay the fees on the mortgage, which I’m submitting the (hopefully) final bits of paperwork for today, which is going to secure me that £20k.
Last but definitely not least I have to wax lyrical about the friends who’ve supported me this year. Every hug, virtual or physical; every kind word, phone call, offer of a shoulder; every time someone has reached out to me on twitter or facebook; every single one that’s just said they’re there if I need them: I probably wouldn’t have got through the year in tact without them all. Thank you.