I’m trying to crack on with some work but one of my servers is 503ing, which – as you can probably imagine – is not particularly conducive to “cracking on”, so as an interim measure I’ve just read Alison’s latest post Trying to be as strong as I want my children to be, which surfaced some thoughts that have been bubbling away lately…
Isabel has recently started asking questions about death, and showing an interest in the subject. We actually had a brush with the topic several months ago but a brief explanation seemed to satisfy any need for knowledge at the time. I had hoped this would be it for the foreseeable future but apparently not; like Alison’s son, she too said this week she doesn’t want to die. (Responding to that with “everybody dies eventually” was, in hindsight, probably not the smartest thing to say, but we live and we learn.)
I do not fear death and I’m not worried about Isabel learning about death and dying. It has to happen eventually, and given the state of Big Pig’s health it might be sooner rather than later, although I cling to the hope that she doesn’t experience it directly for as long as possible.
I am worried about how I ever broach the subject of people who choose the path that leads to death. I’m worried about how I tell Izzy there’s a special guy who’ll she’ll never get to meet because of a decision he made 14 years ago. How do you tell a little girl that someone who should be a huge part of their life, decided that they would rather die than deal with the consequences of their choices in life?
I can’t help but feel like I’m hiding a lie by not telling Izzy that she had an uncle she’ll never get to meet, but I’m not sure I am ready to tell her yet either. Mostly because I know she’ll ask “why”, and I still don’t have the answer to that question.