I am so angry

 |  Personal

I have a doctors appointment Tuesday 13th which I will be attending armed with a list of symptoms as long as my arm. Things like persistant exhaustion but complete inability to sleep when I am actually in bed (even when Oliver’s not thrashing about) and ‘brain fog’ – hence the list. And then in the middle of the list, in caps and underlined twice so he gets the point, I’ve written:


…because I just can’t stop being angry. Angry because there’s crap on the kitchen side, angry because Isabel said something a little noiser than I would like, angry because Oliver wants to feed, angry because he doesn’t, angry because I have too much work but no motivation to sort it, angry because the cats got hair on my sofa, angry because it’s raining, angry because it’s too hot. Angry at stupid things, all the time. Shouting at people ALL THE DAMN TIME.

What worries me is that if I look back, I can see that I’ve been angry since not long after Oliver was born. Angry because he couldn’t latch on to feed, angry when he did and it wasn’t comfortable. Angry because he needed me when he was supposed to be the baby who got the things right that Izz didn’t (how horrible does that sound?) Angry because I needed to work when I should have been fixing my baby’s feeding problems.

I thought at one stage it was some sort of post natal depression, esp. when his feeding issues then problems with dairy were at their worst, but the weight that was pulling me down down down lifted when we cut out the dairy. Things got even better still when Karl went part time and I had some proper dedicated work time so I didn’t have to work til 10pm. I’ve been HAPPY for months, just happy AND ANGRY and I don’t know why.

I’m trying to fix it myself. This is why I want to start running again (although keep making excuses not to) and I’ve been better at turning down work to reduce stress (even though I’ve still got a backlog of bits dating back to last November); I’ve been getting out of the house more; I’ve been working on reducing sugar in my diet and am thinking of naming September as my sugar free month because that’s supposed to help?

But I’m still fucking angry.

Jem Turner jem@jemjabella.co.uk +44(0)7521056376

20 comments so far

  1. Mumblies said:

    I had similar problems but mine were explained as PMT/lazy mother/naughty baby blah blah blah however nothing was done other than the Doc suggesting I ‘get out more’ as the exercise would make me feel better. It didn’t do a damned thing other than make me even more angry. I finally got an answer to my problems when I got help for Bipolar Disorder. Since then, a few months of back and forth getting the correct meds/dose and life couldn’t be rosier. Hopefully your problems will be sorted sooner than mine were.

  2. MrsC said:

    Jem I know how you feel. This is me *all* the time. I went to the doc asking about an underactive thyroid, but the (known to be fairly inaccurate) blood test came back normal. Really that means nothing, it’s common to ‘pass’ the blood test but later on to be diagnosed with an underactive thyroid, but I just don’t have the fight in me to push to get it sorted.

    Good luck – hope you get a good listening ear and some progress.

    • Jem said:

      Thanks – I’ve asked to see the only doc who took me seriously when I said I was suffering from hyperemesis so hopefully he’ll be as useful this time.

      It’s shit that we have to push so hard sometimes.

  3. Joni said:

    I’d ask specifically about a thyroid imbalance, because this sounds almost exactly like how I felt after having my third child, especially the exhaustion and inability to sleep. Whatever it is, I hope you get better soon!

  4. Jessica said:

    I hope that you get things sorted out. It’s difficult to find a doctor who actually takes the time to listen…I know because we’ve been looking for one for my Mom. Sadly we succeeded…but she’s went on maternity leave and we get to see a new guy. *rolls eyes*

  5. Kristine said:

    Get your vitamin D levels checked with your doc. This takes a lot of time and I know how you feel. The little changes you make will be worth it in the long run. <3

  6. Kat said:

    Seconding/thirding the thyroid checkup. I had a phase of being all GRAR HULK SMASH about the tiniest things, and it turned out to be Graves’ Disease. All that anger just went *pop* when I started medication.

  7. Stephanie said:

    This was my mom. She did all the right things that you’re supposed to do first — eat better, get exercise, try to sleep regularly. She went to the doctor and listed all the things she’s done to try, and thankfully he took her seriously. She’s on a couple medications now that make her life a whole lot easier. I hope you can find something that will work for you as well as it did her.

  8. Emma said:

    This was me about 6 months ago, about the time my caught turned two. I was angry at everyone and everything. With me it turned out that the pill I’d been on before we started trying for Lucy no longer suited me and a quick change to something else has calmed me right down. I hope your doc listens and comes up with some helpful ways forward, there’s nothing worse than being fobbed off by them.

    • Jem said:

      I am thinking hormone related and wondered if the pill would help, but I had a bad experience with depo injections so don’t want to get started on something that’s going to mess me up further for unknown periods of time? Will see what the doc says this afternoon.

  9. Dom said:

    Although I can’t really say I’ve been persistently angry at any point, I do find myself being stressed out rather a lot these days. I know it’s because of everyday things, like simply organising my life, so there’s not a lot that can be done to reduce it (unless I start cutting out parts of my like, like work!) but there are definitely ways of dealing with it.

    You mentioned that you went running again; this is a great idea. Try not to find excuses to get out of it, though, because exercise is one of the best de-stressers there is. For example, going to the gym if you’re stressed out/angry not only helps you to push yourself while you’re there, but it releases a lot of ‘happy hormones’ and other de-stressing hormones. If you can’t get to a gym, doing any exercise that gets you out of puff, or leaves you with a few muscular aches afterwards, is going to help.

    Not only will you feel better for having done some exercise, but you’ll be less stressed, and if you’ve worked hard, you’ll sleep like a log that night too. It always helps me, anyway.

    • Jem said:

      Thanks Dom. I know you’re right, but I just lack the motivation to do ANYTHING at the moment.

      LOLed at “you’ll sleep like a log that night too” though – spoken like a true non-parent ;)

  10. Katherine said:

    Have you talked to a doctor about PPD as a possible cause? I just don’t want you to rule anything out hun, and PPD can get really serious. :( *hugs you* Let me know if you need anybody to rant at anytime, I don’t really use AIM much anymore (or any chat client for that matter) but I’m more than happy to e-mail you my cell number if you need someone to rant at for any reason. *hugs you again*

    • Jem said:

      I thought about it previously but I don’t know, I don’t seem to match the majority of symptoms. I think there’s more to it…

  11. Lee said:

    I think it is good that you have identified that you have an anger issue and are trying to resolve it yourself but I feel you might find yourself in a catch 22 situation.

    I would suggest some alone time away from the family and work where you can just relax – be that on a run or just sitting on a bench for an hour somewhere watching life go by. However I don’t think it would be as easy as that for you as in your mind work and family commitments will still be about and it is quite possible that the anger will start to build up regarding the fact that you are wasting time that could be put to better use. The catch 22 situation.

    I can remember seeing an entry a few weeks back about you having time to yourself to have a cup of coffee and sandwich to yourself and I do think having more of these periods (without the cleaning) would do you the world of good.

    • Jem said:

      Totally right about the catch 22 situation Lee! You’re right, I could do with more ‘me time’. I’ll get there, eventually… hopefully!

  12. Liz said:

    What a relief to know I’m not alone in feeling the weird combo of being happy AND angry! I went to the docs this morning for blood tests after going to her 3 weeks ago with a similar list of complaints to you that I had previously been dismissing as just part of being mum to 2 toddlers. Recently a friend was diagnosed with an underactive thyroid when she went to hospital for something else. When I read about the symptoms it seemed to fit – worth checking out anyway and the doc agreed, especially as the brain fog, confusion, forgetfulness & irritability seem to be getting worse.
    If nothing comes up in the blood tests then I’m not sure what to do next. Am fed up with being a shouty person and p*ssed off about the slightest thing when my ‘sane brain’ is trying to tell me that it really doesn’t matter & knows that I’ve nothing serious to complain about. Unfortunately sane brain gets lost in the fog quite a lot.
    Let us know how you get on at the docs & best of luck with everything………