I have a doctors appointment Tuesday 13th which I will be attending armed with a list of symptoms as long as my arm. Things like persistant exhaustion but complete inability to sleep when I am actually in bed (even when Oliver’s not thrashing about) and ‘brain fog’ – hence the list. And then in the middle of the list, in caps and underlined twice so he gets the point, I’ve written:
…because I just can’t stop being angry. Angry because there’s crap on the kitchen side, angry because Isabel said something a little noiser than I would like, angry because Oliver wants to feed, angry because he doesn’t, angry because I have too much work but no motivation to sort it, angry because the cats got hair on my sofa, angry because it’s raining, angry because it’s too hot. Angry at stupid things, all the time. Shouting at people ALL THE DAMN TIME.
What worries me is that if I look back, I can see that I’ve been angry since not long after Oliver was born. Angry because he couldn’t latch on to feed, angry when he did and it wasn’t comfortable. Angry because he needed me when he was supposed to be the baby who got the things right that Izz didn’t (how horrible does that sound?) Angry because I needed to work when I should have been fixing my baby’s feeding problems.
I thought at one stage it was some sort of post natal depression, esp. when his feeding issues then problems with dairy were at their worst, but the weight that was pulling me down down down lifted when we cut out the dairy. Things got even better still when Karl went part time and I had some proper dedicated work time so I didn’t have to work til 10pm. I’ve been HAPPY for months, just happy AND ANGRY and I don’t know why.
I’m trying to fix it myself. This is why I want to start running again (although keep making excuses not to) and I’ve been better at turning down work to reduce stress (even though I’ve still got a backlog of bits dating back to last November); I’ve been getting out of the house more; I’ve been working on reducing sugar in my diet and am thinking of naming September as my sugar free month because that’s supposed to help?
But I’m still fucking angry.