Shit They Don’t Tell You About Pregnancy

I was going through some of my old posts the other day, looking for one in particular, and found my old ramble on the joys of PMS post-Depo Provera, and thought it appropriate to write a follow-up post on birth control. Yes, pregnancy: the ultimate birth control.

  • Morning sickness does not stop at 12 weeks… that is, if you’re an unlucky bastard like me. All the websites and books will tell you it eases at 12 and disappears around 14, but I’m 18 weeks today and still vomiting 3 times a morning. I’ve worked it into my routine, it’s classy.
  • You may have to get up to pee in the night means PREPARE TO WAKE UP EVERY 2.5 HOURS TO URINATE. This is along the same lines as the “potentially weakened bladder” thing (don’t get me started on the time I nearly wet myself while vomiting, because.. hello, muscles contracting alert!)
  • Darkening of the areolas (areolae?) ain’t the only nipple issues you get. I’m not even going there, it’s none of your damned business.
  • You know they say the hormones make your hair and nails lush? What everyone seems to fail to mention is that it also makes your hair grow. At ridiculous rates. Think shaving 3 inch of growth off your armpits every day and you’re on the right track.
  • Slower digestive rhythm means excess wind. Having to “ooh, pardon me” every half hour because you’ve just burped (again) gets old, fast. I’m just grateful that mine’s going up, not down.
  • Your sense of smell will become so sensitive that you can smell the curry house 3 streets over. (Living with cats, and cat food, and cat breath, and a cat tray? The most disgusting thing in the world with a pregnant nose.)

And that, my friends, are the minor things. The “I’m trying to save at least a bit of my dignity” things. The “I don’t want to turn into a maniac that discusses her sex life and intimate regions on her blog” things. I hope you’re crossing your legs by this point, because if you’re not, you’ve got issues. ISSUES PEOPLE.

affiliate window advert

44 comments so far

  1. Jem said:
    On June 9, 2009 at 8:02 pm

    I’ve just remembered that I was going to talk about forgetting shit. But forgot.

    Says it all.

  2. Emsz said:
    On June 9, 2009 at 8:04 pm

    I’m sorry you gave to go through all of that Jem..
    My mother once told me about the nasty stuff that could happen to your nipples, and it didn’t sound very enjoyable.

  3. Anthony said:
    On June 9, 2009 at 8:05 pm

    You sound just like my sister, minus the nipple part, for obvious reasons. The weirdest part about my sister’s pregnancy was her eating. Not only did it increase but it got so bad that she gained about 80lbs for an 8lb child. Oh well, just stay optimistic! Hopefully things will get better, and if not then that sucks for you.

  4. Nori said:
    On June 9, 2009 at 8:08 pm

    I am so very glad I will never have to deal with any of this (someone take my ovaries now, please) because yerk, that sounds horrible. Here’s a little more hoping your way that most of the icky stuff *does* at least slow down for you soon.

  5. Aisling said:
    On June 9, 2009 at 8:13 pm

    You’re such a weirdo. :P But.. um… thanks. I’ll be sure to just avoid penises, full stop, so this doesn’t happen to me. :D

  6. Romy said:
    On June 9, 2009 at 10:44 pm

    Um, there’s a typo in your site’s tagline — I think it’s supposed to read "Jemjabella: Ultimately *Barfier* Than You". ;)

  7. Asho said:
    On June 9, 2009 at 10:56 pm

    Wow, I feel guilty for having no morning sickness, getting up at most twice a night, and barely showing even now at 34 weeks. I hope it gets better for you soon.

  8. Mimi said:
    On June 10, 2009 at 12:41 am

    You know what is even better?? When you cough, sneeze or laugh and pee yourself a bit. Oh yeah and by the way, that part i just told you? NEVER GOES AWAY! Yeah, haha, I still pee a little sometimes when I sneeze. Yep.

  9. Hev said:
    On June 10, 2009 at 12:42 am

    Just wait, Asho. My mother didn’t show until her 9th month then it was like overnight. I was a 10lb. 7oz baby also.

    I am sorry, Jem. Well, then you ankles are going to swell, your energy is either going go sky-high or drop, & your sex drive will do the same thing, & just wait until the cravings start. Or at least this is what happened with all my other friends that have gotten pregnant.

    In my case this is one of the main reasons that I only am having furchildren instead of children.

  10. Aaron said:
    On June 10, 2009 at 1:25 am

    I’ve just remembered that I was going to talk about forgetting shit. But forgot.

    I was going to say something, but this made me laugh so hard I forgot. Perhaps it’s a bit contagious?

  11. Kitty said:
    On June 10, 2009 at 3:19 am

    Wow I haven’t visited your site in a while. Congratulations on the pregnancy. I have 4 rugrats and while I loved being preggo with all of them, I didn’t always like what my body was doing. It will get better sooner or later (hopefully sooner)

  12. Audrey said:
    On June 10, 2009 at 4:33 am

    *Crosses legs*

  13. Mumblies said:
    On June 10, 2009 at 6:01 am

    Horrendous heartburn, backache, swollen ankles, cravings etc… all part of normal pregnancy. Wait ’til you start waking up 2-3 times a night for nothing! Yes, wicked Mother Nature really does start getting you up to prepare you for those middle of the night feeds too. Or the ‘walk past someone with a crying baby and watch your T shirt suddenly become soaked in seconds’ reaction once baby is born :) Not to mention the manic house cleaning and frantically scubbing every inch of every room (including curtains and paintwork) just before baby makes it’s appearance. Oh the joys of pregnancy.
    Hey Jem, look on the bright side, only 23 weeks to go! It’s not really that bad you know, otherwise women would never have more than one would they? ;)

  14. Kitty said:
    On June 10, 2009 at 7:40 am

    Urghh..sorry to hear you have to go through all that Jem, makes me actually think twice whether I’m ready to have children now or not. O_o

  15. Sarah said:
    On June 10, 2009 at 8:09 am

    I’m sure if women knew about ALL the side-effects and "joys" of pregnancy, they’d think twice about getting pregnant. Pregnancy in the media is made out to be bliss and beautiful. They forget to mention the things that matter. Hehe.

  16. Macca said:
    On June 10, 2009 at 10:04 am

    I watched a documentary about pregnancy once, and it made me feel so queezy… you can actually get cups to put over your nipples so they don’t leak milk all over your shirt, and apparently you can expect to be incontinent for a while after the birth that it’s actually somehow worth wearing disposable pants and huge massive pads? O_o;

    Oh, and apparently some people actually shit themselves whilst giving birth because of all the straining, and this is completely common and normal. Now that’s something they never show you on TV. How pleasant.

    I so do not look forward to this.

  17. Trish said:
    On June 10, 2009 at 10:29 am

    Well…I’ve decided not to get pregnant any time soon, thanks to you. :D

  18. ErisDS said:
    On June 10, 2009 at 11:13 am

    LOL… I just read your post and realised at the end that somewhere in the middle I did actually cross my legs…

    Urgh, I get the feeling I’d be an unlucky bugger with pregnancy too, I’m just that kind of person. I hope things ease up for you soon.

  19. Mumblies said:
    On June 10, 2009 at 11:54 am

    Quoting Mimi here… You know what is even better?? When you cough, sneeze or laugh and pee yourself a bit. Oh yeah and by the way, that part i just told you? NEVER GOES AWAY! Yeah, haha, I still pee a little sometimes when I sneeze. Yep

    Actually, you only get leakage problems after the birth if you DON’T do your pelvic floor exersises. I’m 51 this year (crikey..old!) and have had 6 children and I can still cough away merrily without any wetting myself problems. I would suggest you look it up Mimi and get clenching ;)

  20. Jenny said:
    On June 10, 2009 at 1:33 pm

    When I was pregnant, I didn’t have to pee at all. Only when my bladder was full. And morning sickness…ugh…oh and my son sat on my spine the entire time. I will never be pregnant again I swear.

  21. Stephanie said:
    On June 10, 2009 at 1:33 pm

    Legs: crossed.

  22. Meggan said:
    On June 10, 2009 at 2:05 pm

    Well, here’s hoping you don’t have hyperemesis, where you barf throughout the entire pregnancy. Jessica from Balancing Everything has had it with all of her pregnancies and it sounds wretched.

    Also, I still want babies eventually, so I might be certifiably crazy.

  23. Erin said:
    On June 10, 2009 at 3:35 pm

    Ditto, ditto.

    Nip sensitivity is really horrible too.

  24. Annie said:
    On June 10, 2009 at 4:01 pm

    Legs: crossed. Nose: wrinkled.

    I hope things get "easier" for you.

  25. Stephanie said:
    On June 10, 2009 at 5:36 pm

    Mmm… nope, still want babies.

  26. Eka said:
    On June 10, 2009 at 5:46 pm

    Eh…pregnancy. One of my teachers is preggers and she’s been excusing herself from class to vomit several times a day. And apparently pregnancy makes you salivate? She spits into her trash can constantly. =/

    I hope your morning sickness stops soon enough.

  27. Melissa said:
    On June 10, 2009 at 5:48 pm

    This made me laugh (although I know you’re not laughing :D) because it’s all so true. My morning sickness was pretty much non-existent until about two weeks ago when it hit me bad. I still wasn’t vomiting, but every other bodily problem I could have had, I had. Then all of a sudden, yesterday it all disappeared and now I feel even better than pre-pregnancy. Who knows. Geting up to pee every few hours gets old, though. For me, it seems like that crap started from the day of conception and it’s only gotten worse.

  28. Britney said:
    On June 10, 2009 at 7:01 pm

    My mom said she’d rather go through 12 pregnancies before she gets another tattoo. The tattoo part has little relevance to anything, just thought I’d say it.
    It’s very sad that you’re going through that.
    My sister had a relatively smooth pregnancy. There was only a little morning sickness, no peeing herself. The delivery was even better. Her Obstetrician/Gynacologist (sp?) didn’t even have time to get to the hospital and he lives two blocks over. She had the baby when she sneezed. XD
    Anyways, I’m hoping things will get better for you. After a few more months, all of this will be worth it. :)

  29. Joni said:
    On June 10, 2009 at 8:37 pm

    So, so true…every word of it. They don’t tell you a lot of stuff because it’s different for everyone.

    And I really hate to tell you this, but someone has to warn you (and I consider it a favor since no one warned me), if you think this is bad just wait until you discover all the fun stuff that happens after you give birth.

    The good news is…it’s all temporary! Hang in there, Jem. :D

  30. Caity said:
    On June 10, 2009 at 11:08 pm

    Well that doesn’t sound very pleasant. Hopefully I will be more lucky. I’m sorry to see that you haven’t been lucky at all. :(

  31. Anna said:
    On June 11, 2009 at 2:38 am

    When my mother had me and my brother she had no morning sickness, because she walks a lot. She still walks a lot now and does not have cramps.

    I suggest you walk at least once a day to ease the morning sickness. Good luck!

  32. Anna said:
    On June 11, 2009 at 2:40 am

    Oh, and, when you have a baby, don’t be an idiot and let your baby sleep in another fucking room. Sleep with your baby, or at least keep the baby in a bed in your room. Don’t listen to what other people say.

    Be with your baby.

  33. Roxanne said:
    On June 11, 2009 at 3:23 am

    Would you hate me if I said I laughed while reading this?

    Aww, the female body…gotta love it! ;) If only guys could go through half the shit we do, the world probably be a better place!

    Hey, at least you’re not having any odd cravings yet…right?

  34. Kathleen said:
    On June 11, 2009 at 3:22 pm

    Right. That’s it. No babies for me. My sister and the wife of my best friend are both pregnant and are telling very similar stories. Nope. Not going to get preggies. EVER!

    Or that’s what I say now of course.

  35. Brenda said:
    On June 11, 2009 at 6:42 pm

    Hahaha, I am not sure whether I’d refer to pregnancy as birth control because ultimately … you ARE going to give birth anyway. ;)

    Those issues sound awful, though I hope you’re coping well. It’d be well worth it in the end. (: -Huggles-

  36. Martina said:
    On June 12, 2009 at 12:14 pm

    Congrats on your pregnancy, Jem!!
    I’m week 30+6 right now, and my morning sickness (oh, in fact it was not just in the morning) did also not stop in week 12, but around week 26 when I stopped working (in office) and could fully concentrate on the pregnancy (and building the nest) and just leave that huge big stress behind.

    It is getting better, believe me!

    I also was at the end with my nerves and thought "hey, what did they mean with feeling wonderful when being pregnant?" –

    now the weeks will come that you start to feel the little life inside you, and this is the wonderful part!
    OK, you cannot sleep at night…not because of the 2,5 hours going up…but because of that belly nailing you into one sleeping position and that little night active baby hitting you for hours, BUT believe me, it’s worth it!!! It is worth all that to feel the little life at the end!!

  37. ciara said:
    On June 12, 2009 at 5:22 pm

    ahh vomit and sore nips, I couldn’t do it haha. congrats on your pregnancy! also, love the layout, very relaxing.

  38. Chans said:
    On June 13, 2009 at 2:04 pm

    I hope it eases soon Jem and that you get to enjoy your pregnancy a bit more than you do at the moment!

  39. Bobbi-lee said:
    On June 13, 2009 at 4:12 pm

    Oh I thought all of that was bad, but just wait til you go into labour. None of that stuff matters any more and becomes petty to you because "oh my god get this baby out" is the only thing on your mind.
    But, as they always say (and you never quite believe them until it happens to you), the pain and suffering will be worth every bit when you hold your little baby.

  40. Lunky said:
    On June 15, 2009 at 7:16 pm

    Jem… I love you! I love the fact that you can tell about all the horrific things you get to go through. I have to agree with Bobbi-lee about forgetting all of that when you go through the labor. I remember my daughter like it was the other day and she is 9 years old now. But no worries. You will be a great mom and you will go through all of it smoothly. If I can make it, you sure as hell can!!!

  41. Grandad said:
    On June 19, 2009 at 7:58 pm

    Jem, this baby is a ‘self inflicted wound’ so grin and bear it. I thought you were the clever one who wasn’t going to have any children until she was ready for them, big deal huh? LOL. They sneak up on you gel. Love your pages, blogs etc, but do, please, please, please do stop cussing, it does you no credit and I shudder when I read it, and yes, I was an army Sgt-Major, but I didn’t indulge as you do, except under extreme provocation (like your Mum winding me up). Love you kiddo, Cheers, Grandad. XXX

  42. Shola said:
    On June 19, 2009 at 11:57 pm

    Your G-dad’s comment cracked me up.

  43. Jessica said:
    On June 24, 2009 at 6:21 pm

    I just about peed myself laughing. And not laughing at you. I remember getting so irritated while pregnant because of the stuff they don’t tell you. Or rather they do tell you & it is so off base you want to kill the person. It only gets better. Esp when you only got a week to go & you beg the doctor to induce you so for once you can lay on your stomach.

    They also always told me that morning sickness is worst the first time around as you have never been through it. It was worse the 3rd time as that is the only time I got it.

    It is also a good thing to have a bowl near the toilet so you can make sure you don’t pee yourself by sitting on the toilet & puking in the bowl.

  44. Sara-Jean said:
    On July 15, 2009 at 3:17 am

    Just you mentioning the cat tray makes me wonder, you are leaving Karl to handle the clean-up, correct? I remember being harassed by my OB early on after mentioning I had scooped in that afternoon that pregnant women are to never, ever touch the cat box, or any place where the cat may have urinated (which, in our house, is everywhere.. but especially on clean laundry). So if you aren’t already, don’t touch it please! Else, your child could suffer some serious consequences, I mean, apart from having you for a mother ;)