I was going through some of my old posts the other day, looking for one in particular, and found my old ramble on the joys of PMS post-Depo Provera, and thought it appropriate to write a follow-up post on birth control. Yes, pregnancy: the ultimate birth control.
- Morning sickness does not stop at 12 weeks… that is, if you’re an unlucky bastard like me. All the websites and books will tell you it eases at 12 and disappears around 14, but I’m 18 weeks today and still vomiting 3 times a morning. I’ve worked it into my routine, it’s classy.
- You may have to get up to pee in the night means PREPARE TO WAKE UP EVERY 2.5 HOURS TO URINATE. This is along the same lines as the “potentially weakened bladder” thing (don’t get me started on the time I nearly wet myself while vomiting, because.. hello, muscles contracting alert!)
- Darkening of the areolas (areolae?) ain’t the only nipple issues you get. I’m not even going there, it’s none of your damned business.
- You know they say the hormones make your hair and nails lush? What everyone seems to fail to mention is that it also makes your hair grow. At ridiculous rates. Think shaving 3 inch of growth off your armpits every day and you’re on the right track.
- Slower digestive rhythm means excess wind. Having to “ooh, pardon me” every half hour because you’ve just burped (again) gets old, fast. I’m just grateful that mine’s going up, not down.
- Your sense of smell will become so sensitive that you can smell the curry house 3 streets over. (Living with cats, and cat food, and cat breath, and a cat tray? The most disgusting thing in the world with a pregnant nose.)
And that, my friends, are the minor things. The “I’m trying to save at least a bit of my dignity” things. The “I don’t want to turn into a maniac that discusses her sex life and intimate regions on her blog” things. I hope you’re crossing your legs by this point, because if you’re not, you’ve got issues. ISSUES PEOPLE.