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Blog about Britney Spears. ( Keyphrase Search Percent britney spears 132 5.7% britney spears commando 55 2.3% jem 47 2%

I am slightly offended that people are more interested in Britney Spears wearing no panties than they are in me. :(

Btw: for those not bored of my self-pity and whining, I went to the doctor today because my tonsils are so swollen I’m having difficulty breathing. Anyway, the doc gets his little flashlight thing, peers into my mouth and recoils in horror. I swear, he looked like he’d just seen a bloody alien climbing out of my throat. Apparently my right tonsil was showing signs of pus. Niiiice.

Common Cold Affects Testicles

Note: this entry was originally posted in 2006 because I’d noticed someone had vandalised the “common cold” wikipedia entry. Since then, this page has received thousands upon thousands of hits from people searching for an answer to why their testicles hurt when they’ve got a cold/the flu. I can only assume it’s common for your balls to hurt when you have a cold. That said, if you’re worried, go see a doctor dudes!


So, I’m just looking for potential remedies to try and get rid of this immense whole-body ache, sore throat, general lethargy, temperature fluctuations etc.. and I come across the common cold article in wikipedia. Imagine my surprise when I see the following text:

common cold affects testicles

Now, I’m no doctor, but I’m pretty sure the common cold doesn’t affect the testicles. (Somebody, please, correct me if I’m wrong?!) (eta: it’s been fixed. Glad I took that screenshot!)

I do wonder if I have the flu instead of a cold though. I’ve got a massive headache that immediately worsens if I move my head at all, my throat feels like I’ve swallowed a cheese grater and my entire body aches. I also had this weird temperature thing last night where the more layers I put on, the colder I got, causing pretty violent shivers. I’m even finding it hard to gather the energy to type, which is bloody rare for me. I’m looking for more sympathy here people…

Not Well

I’m not feeling very well. I have a sore, swollen throat and watery eyes. My nose is congested and dribbly.

Please leave sympathy and promises of chocolate.

It’s funny..

..if I insult a person’s ability to code, mock their design or make a general nuisance of myself by pointing out every possible flaw in a person’s website — that’s OK. You all join in, laughing and often posting much more offensive commentary than I (sometimes calling people “retard” or “moron”, even). Yet, if I decide to take leave of my normal complete media-ignorance and pass comment on a celebrity? By gosh, I’m in for it then!

Hmm.. perhaps some of you don’t see the hypocrisy in that, but I do, and I find it absolutely hilarious.

Now, I’m not going to censor your comments if you disagree with me (although I’ll likely tell you that I think you’re wrong), and I’m not going to try and sway your opinion to “my side”. However, if any of you think for one moment that I am going to stop being me, and stop having an opinion on people and events that I see around me (irrelevant of whether people care about said opinion) then you are sorely mistaken. I’ve been blogging this way for over four years and until I get hauled into a court for libel, that’s not going to change.

Britney Spears is a Trollop

That’s it Britney Spears, teach little girls to look after themselves and have a little self-respect by whipping out your frickin’ coochie in public. NICE GOING DUMBASS.

For those who haven’t heard: Britney Spears — in a desperate attempt to prove that her soon to be ex-husband wasn’t the only trailor-trash in that family combination — went out on the town in a short skirt minus panties. Showing parts that I’d have rather not seen to all and sundry, she’s well and truly f…ed up any attempt at a comeback career now.

I don’t usually comment on crap in the media, but how can anyone not comment on this? Jesus Christ. For those of you over the age of 18, there are pictures (not suitable for children or those with a weak heart).


Sometimes I wonder why I blog. Not because I don’t enjoy it or because I want to give it up, but because 95% of my entries are complete bollocks, 3% are only relevant to those with ‘specialist’ interests (and I’m sure half of you are only feigning interest anyway) and the other 2% make no sense three months down the line. (ETA: this wasn’t self pity btw, I’m not trying to make you feel sorry for me. I don’t mind that I talk absolute crud most of the time.. ;))

I mean, I visit Dooce once a month or so to read her monthly entry for Leta. As anti-children as I am that really makes me smile, and it reminds me of my own adventures with my niece and nephew. I read web design and developing blogs (too many to mention individually) to expand my knowledge or inspire me. These blogs have a purpose, they stick to a regular topic.

So what’s my purpose (or my blog’s purpose, rather)? Why do I blog? Why do you blog? (And am I the only person that can’t stand the word “blog” said aloud?)

Funky Spunky

I’ve had one of “those” days (well, evenings) and I can’t be bothered to blog properly, so here’s a few funky links and spunky web pages of use/interest I’ve found recently…

Just when I thought that user-sign-up spam on phpBB couldn’t get any worse I found the phpBB admin toolkit which allows me to administer multiple users without having to implement any complex mods. Saves me time and means I don’t have to re-mod after a software upgrade.

I recently adopted the IE Hatelisting and the guestblock fanlisting from Katy (because owning several small pointless websites is fun). I’ve also managed to pick up the Alan Davies fanlisting although that probably doesn’t appeal to 99.5% of you and is only half-done.

nu/mb is having an “operation: revive” to recover from the summer slump, so if you’re bored and want to join one of those pointless teen message boards you should check it out. I only go there to mock newbies (probably explains why they don’t come back, hmm…)

Talking of message boards: if you’re an elite designer/developer you might want to check out the private community “Mint Pages“. It’s by invite only so if you’re interested you’ve got to prove to ’em that you’re worthy first. It’s not as easy as it looks, but is worth the effort. There’s an interesting Mac vs. Windows topic that doesn’t involve swearing and fanboys (now there’s a first).

Aside from funky spunky links; I realised the other day that this is the first layout I’ve not got bored of within a week. I wonder if that’s anything to do with the fact it was featured in a load of galleries? Still swamped under a ton of e-mail btw, so if you’ve got in touch and I’ve not replied, I will… eventually. My ass is going to sleep in my chair so I think I’m going to go and find something not ‘netty to do.

Internet Orgy

What do you get when you put three geeks and two Pratchetteers (new word?) into one room? Lots of discussion on the pronunciation of Linux and router, rants of nested tables, World of Warcraft (hiss boo), chavs in Telford, Dreamweaver, FrontPage, web 2.0, Nanny Ogg’s cookbook and sexual innuendo (although the latter two are much the same).

Yes: Katy, Amelie and her partner Alex decided to pop in to see Karl and I for a geeky Internet meet-up organised in about 10 minutes on the spur of the moment. Two hours later (Amelie and Alex had a long drive) we’re all together drinking exotic juice, tea and orange and LOLing at general Internetness. Ahh, good times.

So, if you’ve ever wondered if I am secretly an old fat guy posing as a young adult blogger, Amelie and Katy will confirm that — yes — I definitely am.


Just a quick update to say “hoorah”, “success” and various shades of “awesome”! I woke up this morning to only 3 spam comments, which is greatly reduced from the 20-200 (!!!) I’ve been receiving of late. I added a line of code to mail me any comment, plus the score, of anyone who got registered as spam and within minutes I had an inbox full of spam notifications. (So it’s definitely working, and it wasn’t just coincidence that I got little spam overnight.)

The checks are minor and I doubt they’ll add anything to the processing time of comments (in fact, most of the checks were already there — I just added a score to them). Things like the amount of time ‘http://’ occurs, whether an attempt to use HTML was noticed, comment length, profanity and blacklist check, etc… although only triggered once (if at all) by normal commenters, they all add up when the spammers try.

I’ll probably update later on/this weekend with a proper entry… :P

Comment Filtering and Other Goo

A couple of “legitimate people” (and a few trolls) have mentioned having yet more trouble getting through my far-too-strict comment blacklists, and yet frustratingly certain spammers are getting through by posting normal comments with links that simply redirect to dodgy porn/drug sites. I don’t want to ban URLs or comments altogether so I’m going to try and implement a ‘score’ system.

People that post comments using fake e-mail addresses/etc will still be blocked — in fact, e-mail validation should be more strict because I’m hoping to implement fsockopen() to check for actual e-mail address existence as per a nifty article on E-mail Verification with PHP — but things like accidental tripping up of the blacklist (with words like “Christmas” that I had to blacklist FFS) won’t stop a comment from going through. I’m assuming I can set something up much like the scoring for mail apps like Spam Assassin (any PHP gurus got any ideas for potential checks/blocks that I may have missed?) Sounds good in theory, no idea what it’s like in practice…

Karl and I have just discovered: WE HAVE INTERNET. Oh yeah, Internet at home again. This means that I can finally get ’round to replying to about 300 backlogged e-mails, can crop and upload some pictures of the flat, can implement some bug fixes to BellaBook and minor changes to BellaBuffs, part two of the Beginners Guide to PHP, BellaBuffs Collective, [insert other promised scripts/code here]… oh, and last but not least: send out a heartfelt thanks to Jessica who gave me the most creative retaliation to a Pants Award yet. How sweet :)

ETA: I’m just fiddling with a basic scoring on top of spam-prevention that is already in place. If anyone wants to leave a comment just as a test (that looks relatively real), please do so. That way I can adjust assigned scores/deletion levels as appropriate.

What the F..ork?

I pre-ordered the new Harvest Moon for Nindento DS (at the same time as the new Harvest Moon for the GameCube) months and months ago. I got an e-mail last week telling me that the DS part of the order was delayed. I have just logged in to find out the details and spotted the new delivery date: “Delivery estimate: 5 Mar 2007 – 7 Mar 2007“!

What the hell kind of bloody delay is that?! Nintendo, you disappoint me. :( Amazon best ship the GameCube game despite the other half of the order being delayed…

(Note: those waiting on me for script modifications, fixes, etc.. I’ve not forgotten. I still have very flaky Internet so I’m doing what I can when I can …and fighting an overflowing inbox in the process.)

Pants: swimchick.net

In a way, I feel sorry for the owner of swimchick.net (“Jessica”). Of all the “crap site” nominations I receive, swimchick tops the list. It is also one of the most searched for terms by people looking through my reviews/previous pants awards. In fact, feedback on swimchick is so much in demand I feel I’m caving in to peer pressure just writing this.

Of course, any pity is generally overcome just by looking at Disclaimer in the side bar: “Everything you see here is rightfully Copyrighted to Jessica at swimchick.net unless otherwise stated.” — because of course, stealing celebrity photographs is all right as long as you credit the site that stole them originally, yeah?

I was originally going to review swimchick but according to the full disclaimer she doesn’t take advice unless she asked for it, so I don’t see the point wasting several hours writing an in-depth review only to have it ignored (oh, wait, isn’t that what usually happens..?) Talking of the full disclaimer, Jessica says: “My site is my site. I will do what I please with it and I do not need your permission for anything.” and thus by that logic: my site is my site, and I don’t need her permission to do anything with it (including mocking her in my blog) right?

Jessica is another one of these people that spends so much time talking about how her “CSS is crap” (don’t even get me started on the unnecessary written abuse of the poor styling syntax we know as CSS :( ) that she has neglected her content pages. Her side description tells us that she’s “17 years old. 18 on September 25th.” (is that Sept 25th 05, 06, 07…?) but her “More About [..]” page states that she’s 16. The page is, as well as inaccurate, very poorly worded. Take for instance “But it would keep you here forever and then you’d have absolutely no life” …now I’ve heard of being bored to death, but I always thought that was a figure of speech. I didn’t realise that one could lose your life just by reading. I am wondering if it’s commonplace in America to bring your teachers home too (“No one at home really calls me Jessica. Unless they’re trying to impress their teacher or something.”)

The obvious need for visitor attention and hits is demonstrated in multiple ways: an advertising link before the important introduction, and the fact that “visitor” and “tutorials” are linked higher in the menu than “me”. Don’t get me wrong, I maintain a healthy obsession with my own statistics and monitor them every second of every day (did I just say healthy?!) but if you own a personal website, it makes sense to keep it personal first and foremost. Cookie-cutter generic reads and badly cropped stolen celebrity photography are rampant in the visitor section (and they’re not even that great).

Tutorials. Ohhh, tutorials! Apparently the tutorials were written by Jessica and we’re not to steal, redistribute or edit them in any way. Ha ha ha. Sorry, that wasn’t a joke? I was really looking forward to seeing the Adding Music tutorial but the link was broken. Woe. This is more than made up by the “Animated Title” tutorial in which a bit of Dodo’s dodgy JavaScript is being redistributed. Hold on a cotton-picking minute, didn’t we just get lectured on how these tutorials belong to Jessica? Tut tut, shame on her.

“Auto Favourite” is another broken link, “Bg Colour Change”/”Blocking IPs” seems to have some coding issues (apart from the two sets of <body>, I mean). “Custom Bullets” is stolen from pixelfx and has been mangled making it even worse than the original (I didn’t think that was even possible). Not only does she fail to point out that list items need to be placed within an unordered/ordered list tag but she also fails to offer the more sensible solution of customising the actual list instead of the individual items. “How to Css” is another broken link, but that’s OK because I’m happy just laughing at the name of the tutorial (“How to cascading style sheet”?) The iframe tutorial is missing an equals sign between the name attribute and its value, and it contains superfluous styling. (Has anyone else notice that I make a habit of including the word ‘superfluous’ at least once in my reviews/pants posts?)

Got to love how she’s teaching people to break various laws by redistributing default Windows fonts…

Jessica: for offering stolen reads, tutorials and resources; creating tutorials based on other people’s code; chucking around the word “respect” like it’s something we owe you; being generally ignorant of the point of validating your code; and various other crimes to humanity, you win the 6th Pants Award.

pants award

Feel free to direct link :)