I know I’m not your most loyal subject, that I’m often caught mocking your existance or taking your name in vain; I know that it was wrong of me to eat that second mini cake yesterday and that mocking people like I do probably has serious consequences, but I need a favour. It’s urgent — a life and death situation that only you can fix. If you help me, I’ll sacrifice some virgin brides, small children and/or hairy goats (delete as applicable).
Damnit, I need a t-shirt. A t-shirt that is long enough to cover my boobs and still stretch down further than my belly button (sorry, navel). A t-shirt that compliments my curvy, feminine form but doesn’t cling to every pound of fat. Preferably black, with sleeves that don’t suck into to my armpits like those stupid “baby doll tees”. I’d also like it casual and comfy enough to wear at home, whilst being presentable enough for work. The size on the label must be also be accurate — none of those “the actual t-shirt is three sizes smaller than printed and you’re not really in denial about putting weight on” style t-shirts that Tesco sells, thanks.
Is this humble garment too much to ask for? Please, God, point me in the direction of a holy shop where I can purchase such an item for a fair price that doesn’t involve having to send Karl out onto the street corner as a “working boy” to earn money to pay for it. About £5 is all I can afford right now, bear that in mind.
Many thanks, and best wishes with all of your God-like stuff.