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A Letter to God

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Dear God,

I know I’m not your most loyal subject, that I’m often caught mocking your existance or taking your name in vain; I know that it was wrong of me to eat that second mini cake yesterday and that mocking people like I do probably has serious consequences, but I need a favour. It’s urgent — a life and death situation that only you can fix. If you help me, I’ll sacrifice some virgin brides, small children and/or hairy goats (delete as applicable).

Damnit, I need a t-shirt. A t-shirt that is long enough to cover my boobs and still stretch down further than my belly button (sorry, navel). A t-shirt that compliments my curvy, feminine form but doesn’t cling to every pound of fat. Preferably black, with sleeves that don’t suck into to my armpits like those stupid “baby doll tees”. I’d also like it casual and comfy enough to wear at home, whilst being presentable enough for work. The size on the label must be also be accurate — none of those “the actual t-shirt is three sizes smaller than printed and you’re not really in denial about putting weight on” style t-shirts that Tesco sells, thanks.

Is this humble garment too much to ask for? Please, God, point me in the direction of a holy shop where I can purchase such an item for a fair price that doesn’t involve having to send Karl out onto the street corner as a “working boy” to earn money to pay for it. About £5 is all I can afford right now, bear that in mind.

Many thanks, and best wishes with all of your God-like stuff.


Jem Turner +44(0)7521056376

40 comments so far

  1. Karl said:

    ahahahaha. No. ;) As for me on a street corner, bog off…Send Vic! She’s younger and will heal faster. :p Where exactly have you looked? Hmm? Apart from tesco/matalan/Scummy Telford Shops?

  2. Belinda said:

    I *love* oversize shirts, like the one I’m wearing right now! The sleeves go down to my elbows and the hems down midthigh. There is much room for the armpits to breath. Soo comfy. ^^ I got mine as a free shirt for helping first year students at Uni. It’s bright orange/yellow and has a bright “Ask me!” at the back in bold blue. One of my most favourite shirts. :D So umm… maybe volunteer at organisations where volunteers are given practical yet comfortable shirts?

  3. Amanda said:

    Ebay! (I cannot get over my recent Ebay obsession). Everything sells cheaply on there, and the important thing for you would be to make sure that items are based in the UK…so postage would be cheaper since they’re not posting it to you from Zimbabwe or somewhere like that. And if you do the “Advanced Search”, you can bring up new items with tags still on only, so you don’t have to buy second-hand stuff. ;) And I accept no responsibility if you become addicted as well. :)

  4. Jordie said:

    Well… er… do you have Suzannegrae where you are? My mum got this nice lime green t-shirt from Suzannegrae for me as a Christmas present. I know a bunch of Aussie outlets that sell the kind of thing you are looking for but I have no idea if you have them in the UK. Portmans, Rockmans, Temt, Valleygirl, Myers, David Jones and Suzannegrae are some of my favourites.

  5. Andrew said:

    Most people only think about the “label” part of “designer label”. I realized a while ago that the “designer” part is not to be overlooked – the clothes are well designed. You get what you pay for.

  6. Tiddley said:

    You’re lucky. Not having boobs sucks for tshirt wearing! It’s like ohmygosh where’s my chest!? Oh wait, I don’t have one. ;x

  7. Vera said:

    we-ell, that’s a good pass to narrowly avoid Hell, but hey that’s the pot calling the kettle back. And such T-shirts don’t exist. They are either dead set on squeezing the life out of you, or so baggy you could fit two of you in there… then again maybe you can try some of your Tshirts that used to be baggy, and are now not-so-baggy?? Due to frontal development of course (what did you think I was saying?). I’m happy with eskimo clothing still, until spring decides to make an appearance (lack of snow does not equal spring *sigh*).

  8. Catherine said:

    One word – Topshop! Okay it’ll prob cost you between 6 and 10 pounds for the t-shirt but they’re soft, comfy, plain and come in a multitude of colours and acurate sizes :D I have the same prob as u… chest sort of takes up most of my t-shirt (LOL) so if u ever buy t-shirts from topshop don’t ever tumble dry them…. maxium shrinkage follows :(

  9. Elisabeth said:

    I have the suck into to my armpits problem too. I don’t get why all t-shirts are like that! Is it that I have too big shoulders or too big boobs, or is it both? I just bough the cutest Pucca t-shirt, and I ignored the armpit problem that came with it. But I guess it will drive me to crazyness. I guess my only option is to attack it with scissors and make it a tank-top instead.

  10. bliss said:

    Seven hells, I was having the same problem finding a shirt to wear this very morning. I eventually gave up and put on a baggy sweatshirt instead. Try tank tops with nice collar overshirts; not only are they pretty, but they always fit better. At least on me.

  11. Trinity said:

    Gah, I know what you mean. Any time I find a shirt I like, it’s always too damned short and almost shows my stomach if I do any movement. I’m sorry, but that’s just annoying. It’d be nice to find a shirt that actually came down a little lower. I fucking HATE shopping for specific things like “the peftect shirt” because they simply don’t exist!

  12. Echo said:

    Some of my favorite clothes I’ve found by hitting the clearance racks during seasonal changs. I have a pair of jeans I wear all of the time that cost me no more than $7- and I’m picky, I’ll get something I like and ditch it after two wears no matter how much it put me out but those jeans I love. Also, sometimes they’ll have cool shirts in multiple colors an I’ll get all of the colors I like. Especially hard to not do when you realize they’re $2 each because they’re considered seasonal (though I don’t know how solid-colored, long-sleeved gauze shirts with a tank underneath (which, by the way, was included and separate from the shirt itself) is ‘autumn’ clothing rather than any-time-i-want clothing). I love to pile those in ; ) So yeah, that’s my tip. Look for true clearances.

  13. Shannon said:

    Damnit, I hate those “suck into armpits” things, sometimes. According to everyone at school, “T-shirts are /supposed/ to suck into your armpits!” The hell they are. Stupid new company’s with their stupid new trends of “baby cute/surfer girl/i like cats” or something. (I am annoyed with those T-shirts way more often than I should be)

  14. jessica said:

    This made me smile :) I too am not a fan of baby doll t-shirts. I made the mistake of buying one thinking it might look good in time, but it still doesn’t and now it’s too late. Silly impractical trends *sigh*

  15. Elea said:

    You find something like that, you let me know. Except for the boobs thing, that is, since I don’t have nearly enough cleavage to speak of. I usually run into nice shirts through pure luck… I hope God aids you in your search for a flattering T-shirt. ;)

  16. Emily said:

    I feel your pain. I don’t have boobs and a lot of the shirts I try on don’t cover my stomach – what is with that? And my knowledge of UK clothes shops isn’t too great so I can’t help you there. I’ve found that tank tops are better for length (it depends on what you think about your arms) and you can get some nice styles.

  17. Aneesah said:

    5 pounds doesn’t sound like much there, but come over here in Asia and you’ll probably get at least three nice T-shirts. xD Although I have to say, even for an Islamic country, finding long, un-sheer, un-tight women’s garments is becoming a challenge. Usually we end up buying boys’ shirts, they have all the nice, straight-cut, long-sleeved T-shirts. =( Some of them are too sporty for my taste, but I still have one beige (that has now faded to white ^^) T-shirt that I wear all the time. And how about online? Hmm, I remember a Muslim sister posting about, they’re not T-shirts and you might not want long sleeves, but they seem like nice clothes. (Though expensive. =/ )

  18. Ashley said:

    Maybe you could try reconstructing a shirt when you get it? You know, make the arm hole bigger, then use a piece of fabric to patch up the sleeve. Or if it’s a bigger shirt, take it in until it fits you?

  19. Chelsea said:

    :) I feel the same frustration as you do. I really like Urban Outfitters (an American shop) for extra long t-shirts that are also flattering. Not sure if there’s Urban Outfitters in England, but yeah… it’s the thought that counts, right?!

  20. Katy said:

    oversized tshirt that fits ‘up top’ + scissors + needles + thread + lots of patience. Or bribe someone who knows how to sew and do clothes alterations. None of my tshirts are too bad fit-wise, despite the heaving bosoms (!) Most of them are plain boring stretchy tight ones though. As for sizes on the labels – that means nothing, apart from making it more important to try stuff on. Sizes can kiss my arse.

  21. God said:

    I knew you’d know it was me – it’s not I don’t like you – why should I – I have no reason – I have to admit to not liking ‘womens talk’ is all – though I was in an obscure mood that night – apologies…

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