I’m really struggling with being a parent right now. Don’t get me wrong, I love Isabel to billions of teeny tiny pieces (not literally, obviously), but I can’t stand to see her upset and that seems to be the status quo at the minute. Life’s hard for 14 month old babies. She’s going through a major developmental leap (which I mentioned on the 29th Dec) and combined with her having to start nursery is resulting in mad clingyness and bugger all sleep. I guess the teeth aren’t helping on that score either.
Isabel was supposed to start nursery (daycare) today. It’s the one thing I’ve been majorly shitting myself about for a long time. Unfortunately, at her last taster session before Christmas, she went for an hour on her own and spent the entire time crying her little heart out. After I picked her up, it took her about 2 hours to stop fucking sobbing. How much of a cunt did I feel?
Anyway, I didn’t drop her off this morning. We visited nursery for an hour or so but I knew she wasn’t ready, so I didn’t leave her. I’m going to take her in for as long as I can before work for a few days and see how she gets on before I take the jump. Slightly worried about the “what ifs” though… like, what if she doesn’t settle? I think the key is getting her to gel with one of the nursery ladies but you know, they have 4 babies each they’re effectively responsible for. She can’t have one and one attention all the time (and that’s another thing I feel shit about, but don’t get me started otherwise I’ll be crying into my keyboard all night).
Sigh.
04 Jan at 8:53 pm
She will settle down, Jem. Once she realizes that it is ok, & that there are things there that she can play with & such she will be fine. Though I know it kills to leave them. Desi, at four, was so far behind in any skills a 4yr old was supposed to have she was like a toddler, she too screamed & sobbed for hours. A suggestion would be to have a blanket that smells like you or a washcloth, something that has your smell on it or even your perfume sprayed on it. Leave it with Isabel & that way she will smell it & remember you. Another thing, if the nursery is ok & you are ok with it. Pack some of her toys that she likes to play with, or buy new ones. Take them to nursery with you each time. But only let her play with them there. She should start to want to go to play with her "nursery toys". These are things that I had to do with Desi. I believe that Isabel will understand. At least the smell part I know she will cause when I babysat I had a little boy that refused to settle down until I wrapped him in a shirt that his mother wore or sprayed perfume on a blanket to hold him.
04 Jan at 9:18 pm
I so, so, so hear you on this. Wesley is in the middle of the separation anxiety mess and a bunch of his top teeth are coming in and sleeping is super crap.
I am just muddling through it myself so I don’t have any advice for you, but hang in there. I think if she doesn’t settle, you’d get a call from the provider and you could come and get her, and I doubt that will actually happen. I guess I was "fortunate" in having to go back to work so early that Wesley couldn’t express his feelings on the matter. (Please note the smidge of sarcasm there, it is difficult to convey in print.)
I think at some point you have to acknowledge that you feel like an ass and the baby feels sad and the whole situation just sucks but you do it anyway because it’s what you have to do.
Reluctant WOHMs FTW. :(
04 Jan at 9:22 pm
I can’t help with this, really. As I had no alternative but to return to work at 4 months, it’s all S’s ever known. It was fine at first, but for that final year all he did was cry each and every morning. It was horrible; already guilty, and tired, and frustrated, it just made things worse for me.
But it passed. He had a wonderful Key Worker in nursery, and it didn’t take long for the tears to be very temporary – a few minutes after I’d leave, and he’d stop and start playing.
Just be strong. It’ll be okay. <3 V xx
04 Jan at 11:14 pm
Sorry Jem, that sounds incredibly shitty. :( Makes me thankful Sam goes to a childminder and has someone one-on-one with her the entire time. Still, the first few times I left her she cried A LOT; but it slowly got better and within a few months we had the opposite problem… she didn’t want to go home at the end of the day. :/
Just remember, this too will pass.
05 Jan at 6:38 am
First of I need to state the (maybe obvious) fact that I am not a mother, nor do I have close ties with my 1,5 year old nephew. However, from what I’ve heard of my mother’s stories about myself, I used to be "a clingy baby" as well. I would not leave my mother alone for a second of being awake and when it was time for me to go to daycare I would bawl my eyes out every time my mom took me there. In time it had gotten easier, though. And even though still at the age of four I cried every time my mom took me to the daycare center, I had calmed down right after she had left for work and disappeared from my view, and I had been okay for the rest of the day.
I don’t know if this is any help at all, but from what I’ve heard, it’s not that uncommon at all. And some have even said that children adapt quicker to the separation than the parents do. It’s just a question of routines, apparently. Once she gets used to the place and people and toys around her, it will get better. And honestly, from what I’ve heard from moms around me, the more you fuss about it, the more fussy she gets about it.
I don’t know if what I just wrote is complete bullshit, or if it even helps at all. But that’s how I see it. Although, until I have a child of my own I really shouldn’t be commenting anything about this, I guess. I know it will be complete hell for me to leave my future child alone with a bunch of strangers for a full day of work.
05 Jan at 2:24 pm
I think every kid goes through that period of separation anxiety; for me, it was in kindergarten. I only remember it vaguely, but I remember screaming after my mom not to leave after she dropped me off at school.
Other than that, I can’t really say I have any experience in this subject. I guess you just have to get Isabel to realize that the nursery isn’t all that bad of a place, and that having mommy around isn’t the end of the world.
Good luck with all of that.
08 Jan at 8:56 am
seeing as I’m not a mom you shouldn’t take my opinion too seriously lol, but I think a little bit of that is a good thing. I grew up around kids with tough (but loving, *for the most part*) parents and while not all of them turned out peachy-keen, the bulk of them have great personalities, have street smarts and know how to handle things themselves. Probably due to sometimes being left to just figure out things on their own, instead of having their mom baby them in every situation, leaving them unable to fend for themselves later. (only opinion based off what I’ve seen from my friends who have verrry loving mothers)
But there’s another side to that pancake. While "hood" people (lol) may sometimes feel that sensitive people (often the result from babied children) are hard to hang around – because they can become upset/offended so easily (through things that we are so used to just joking around about XD) – they can also be very passionate, loving, polite, selfless, non-violent people. Again, for the most part…I’ve met some people who are as I described except they cause drama everywhere they go because they don’t take much care in applying all of their rules to their own actions.
I hope that made sense lol I stink at summing up my thoughts :p
08 Jan at 2:06 pm
I did the same thing when I was perhaps your daughter’s age. I was my parent’s first child, well baby, and so the crying really stressed my mom out. As crazy as its sounds, I stopped after she explained the situation to me. I couldn’t really talk, but my understanding of things was pretty good – so after she told me that she had to go to work and that the babysitter was a good person and that’d she be back – I stopped instantly.
11 Jan at 1:52 pm
Ahhh, really feel for you but it will get better. My daughter was just the same, it took about 5 days for her to settle and the nursery had to call me to tell me she had stopped crying. I felt wretched. She is now 12 years old and just lovely….we are very close. Perhaps a child minder may suit your daughter better if that was possible but honestly, millions of children are left with nursery, mums need to work and the children grow up just fine. Don’t feel bad, all will be well…xx
12 Jan at 3:46 pm
Aaww I can only imagine how hard that must be on you and Isabel :(
Who takes care of her when you’re at work? Maybe you could make a deal with someone and continue to take it slow, just like you’re doing now? Or MAYBE Willow Ava and I will just move in with you and Isabel and we’ll play all day while you’re at work? :D No really, sorry to be joking but my brain is pink flubber and I just wish I could help.
I hope she settles soon so you don’t have a broken heart.
BIG HUG and a bottle of wine for the what ifs <3>
17 Jan at 8:44 pm
Well, I’m not even close to being a mother any time soon, but I think my mom just kinda dropped me off and said, "You’ll get over it." Which, I did after a few days. I think it’s one of those things you just have to do, like pulling off a bandaid.
>:/ If that made sense…don’t listen to me, I’m young. :P
05 Feb at 11:15 pm
I’m not sure how you feel about the advice to just leave her and that she’ll get used to it soon enough but I’m pretty sure I’d be crying myself asleep to lot over that, so here’s an alternative – it may or may not be practical and it may or may not work!
I think there’s a lot to be learned from animals when raising children. With dogs, the good trainers no longer advocate just leaving them and expecting them to cope. They say to build it up. To leave the dog for just a few minutes and increase that by a few minutes more every day. They also say that if you’ve already gone too far (resulting in the dog crying the whole time you’re away) you need to go right back to the beginning and build up their faith in the fact that you will return.
Now maybe this doesn’t apply because with kids it’s more complicated but I thought it was worth mentioning because I’m sure you’re hearing a lot of ‘Just leave her, she’ll get over it’ and from what I’ve learned about you over the years, I don’t think you’d be comfortable with that.
Good luck and please don’t beat yourself up about it too much, whatever you choose to do. We set such high standards for ourselves as mothers that we seem to doom ourselves to failure half the time.