65 comments is a typical teenage personal website. Small text — barely different in colour from the background, mangled iframes given extreme heights to try and prevent extra scrollbars, indistinguishable links and the insane assumption that being able to scrape together a website gives you the right and/or ability to publish shitty tutorials.

Before we even get to them though, you must check out the sidebar. Under what I assume says “Visitor” (dodgy coloured tiny text image-based headers are a nightmare) there’s the following words of wisdom:

It is Kate’s site and yes, she is entitled to do and say as she pleases as a legal right of a paid domain.

HOLY SHIT! I did not realise that owning a domain gave me the legal right to do and say as I please. I think I’m going to use the fact that I own two domains as an excuse to chop the arms off the obviously blind teenage chav-mum who rammed my ankles with her fake Burberry™ pushchair/buggy while I was out shopping with my sister earlier. Serves her right, damnit.

Still on the sidebar:

Everything found here is copyright to and Kate (2006)

This on the same sidebar as credit for a picture of Hilary Duff to someone else. I don’t really see how everything can belong to this ‘Kate’ person if she didn’t make half of the crap she’s displaying. The legality of using celebrity photography is another matter altogether…

The site also features:

  • Superfluous colouring on a 150Kb .png; CSS positioning and optimisation be damned.
  • Fonts that belong to other people which are not supposed to be redistributed.
  • Celebrity PSDs (oh, how original)
  • Scrollbar codes. Perfect for invalidating your CSS.
  • Generic, stolen reads — hoorah!

Of course, eventually we have to get back to the tutorials. Oh, those tutorials. As is typical of me, we will skip over the graphics tutorials and head for the lovely: “CSS/HTML/JAVA”. Before you assume I’m messing with someone who knows more languages than I do, don’t panic.. it’s just yet another fool who doesn’t know the difference between Java and JavaScript.

Don’t let the section header put you off, take a look at this fantastic code: <img height=1 loop=infinite dynsrc="http:// YOUR MP3 ADDRESS HERE " width=1 autostart=true>. Why punish my poor elitist eyes? :( (If you have to ask what’s wrong with that, stop reading now.) There’s also the classic aligning tutorial, where I’ve been taught a new tag! For those of you who are obviously misguided like myself, don’t forget to use after the align attribute in an image tag.. because all attributes come with closing tags, right?

Try not to be too in awe of the superior coding, there’s a tutorial for font n00bs too. Installing a font — because copy & paste is such a complex procedure. If that’s too hard for you, you could always check out “Offering PSD Downloads” which must be different to offering a normal link or download and that’s why it needs a tutorial all of its own.

I’m frustrating myself just browsing this website, so I’m going to finish this tirade off now., you win the 5th Pants Award:

pants award

Don’t forget to link back!
(My thanks to the donator of the pants I’ve been using in my awards so far, they’ve been invaluable! You know who you are.)

Jem Turner +44(0)7521056376

65 comments so far

  1. Amelie said:
    On August 1, 2006 at 4:15 pm

    Oh noes!11 I’ve t0tally f0rg0tt3n 2 use da < /align > tag in mah lay0utz!11 i w1ll be werkin dis evenin on gettin that in their cuz uthawiz ma s1te wunt werk …ya

  2. Rosemarie said:
    On August 1, 2006 at 4:17 pm

    eurrgg. I was going to be the first commenter, but first my computer crashed, then your damn comment page wouldn’t load…. RAWR! Anyway. I’m here now, and all I have to say is: I tried to take some pants award pictures, but my underwear wouldn’t co-operate :(

  3. Shawna said:
    On August 1, 2006 at 4:45 pm

    *observes the MP3 code and spontaneously combusts* Good heavens…

  4. Carina said:
    On August 1, 2006 at 5:54 pm

    Lol, that img tag is very confusing. At the risk of sounding like a total noob, what’s wrong with using positioning with CSS? I mean, I know that she could use floats instead for that layout but if you can’t use floats to get a similar layout, there’s nothing wrong with using positioning.

  5. Chelsea said:
    On August 1, 2006 at 6:03 pm

    *head explodes*

  6. Jem said:
    On August 1, 2006 at 6:08 pm

    @Carina: I assume you’re referring to “Superfluous colouring on a 150Kb .png; CSS positioning and optimisation be damned.”? I wasn’t saying there is anything wrong with CSS positioning, rather being sarcastic about the lack of it. Instead of using it, the site owner simply made the image extra wide to sit where she wanted it.

  7. Shannon said:
    On August 1, 2006 at 7:19 pm

    I might’ve thought that that website was okay for my first impression, if it wasn’t for bright colours /everywhere./ Gah. < / align >

  8. Elisabeth said:
    On August 1, 2006 at 7:25 pm

    lol. I Actually can’t install a font because I can’t unzip. I know, I know, it’s patetic, but that’s what boyfriends are for.

  9. Charlotte said:
    On August 1, 2006 at 8:28 pm

    Funny person. o_o

  10. Adastra said:
    On August 1, 2006 at 9:08 pm

    That’s gotta be the funniest img tag I’ve ever seen… O_o

  11. Becky said:
    On August 1, 2006 at 9:32 pm

    You are a god among me-… er goddess among women. ilu She claimed that the align tag was leftover from other code, the only problem is that the “align” tag was never opened and it doesn’t exist (but don’t take my word on that! I’m not an expert). I’m still waiting for her to respond to what I said: “I find it funny that you will pass on your “knowledge” to others (even though you have no formal training) and expect others to regard your opinion at a high level yet you won’t accept anyone else’s opinions.” She can go suck an egg, she has a good thesaurus I’ll give her that, but her posts are mindless fluff (mainly comprised of her attacking me with things I didn’t say) that don’t always make a lot of sense.

  12. Cheri said:
    On August 1, 2006 at 10:04 pm

    Her site hurts my eyes. *goes blind*

  13. Belinda said:
    On August 1, 2006 at 10:10 pm

    “This is a paid domain and you will be eligible to get yourself into legal issues.” Who needs lawyers when a paid domain is all that is needed to get people into “legal issues”? “Most people think my name is KATE when my actual name is Ukrainian.” Hi Ukrainian! And I haven’t even gotten around to checking her tutorial yet. You’d think someone who gets 5000 hits a day (or so said) would feel at least a little bit responsible in using correct coding in tutorials.

  14. Jem said:
    On August 1, 2006 at 10:13 pm

    @Belinda: I have to say I find her claims of getting 5000 unique hits a day rather amusing. I get a significant amount, but less than her supposed number and if you compare my traffic details to hers in, I kick her arse. Somebody is telling lies — either that or relying on some seriously dodgy web statistics!

  15. Gemma said:
    On August 1, 2006 at 10:23 pm

    Erm, yes, paying for a domain doesn’t give you the legal right to say anything that you couldn’t otherwise. It just gives you control of the means of publication. The normal laws of free speech, copyright, libel etc. still apply. Those tutorials are curious – I don’t know where the site owner got the idea that some of those things were correct.

  16. Ang said:
    On August 1, 2006 at 10:40 pm

    A dime a dozen, sadly enough.

  17. Sam said:
    On August 1, 2006 at 11:44 pm

    “Let’s see, I updated the past layouts section to include the current layout” hahaha.. i had to stop reading because my eyes hurt, but that made me laugh.

  18. Shannon said:
    On August 2, 2006 at 12:10 am

    We should refrain from mocking too much. (Is serious.)

  19. Mae said:
    On August 2, 2006 at 12:24 am

    I bet with her exposure on your site she’s bound to have at least a portion of her said traffic hehe I usually like color blue, and love websites using it, but hers is one of those I’d rather stay away from lols

  20. Amelie said:
    On August 2, 2006 at 1:43 am

    Heh, she actually claims to have 2000+ uniques on her advertising page. Look, a screenshot of her stats:

  21. Amelie said:
    On August 2, 2006 at 1:52 am

    LMAO: “If your site uses a style sheet (style.scc)…”

  22. banshee said:
    On August 2, 2006 at 2:24 am

    Drat, Amelie beat me to the style.scc ;) I shouldn’t laugh so hard – I’m still only beginning to seriously validate my sites (please don’t kill me!).

  23. Jess said:
    On August 2, 2006 at 2:59 am

    I’ve bookmarked the site. If I ever need a tutorial in the future, then her site is the place to go!

  24. Jordie said:
    On August 2, 2006 at 6:27 am

    You forgot to mention that the white column is actually a background and that it repeats horizontally in larger resolutions. There is an unsightly stripe on the right side of my screen. Haven’t these people heard of background-repeat:repeat-y;? There’s also a ASSGIGANTIC SPACE at the bottom. Another thing you forgot to mention is the disclaimer: “As a visitor you must remain aware that it is a privilege to be on this site, not a right. If you are found posting or e-mailing offensive/rude comments, stealing content and overall disrespecting the owner or any other visitors, you WILL be banned from the entire site. No apology will be accepted and no e-mail regarding this issue will be opened. You were warned. If you happen to disagree with anything written on this site, remember that no one is making you come here. If you wish to debate, create your own domain and speak your voice. It is Kate’s site and yes, she is entitled to do and say as she pleases as a legal right of a paid domain.” It’s a privilege to be on her site? OK, I’ll keep that in mind. o_o She probably feels powerful and important in the knowledge that she can ban the IP of anyone that annoys her… so she’s obviously never heard of Tor, then? You ought to write more of these reviews and then make a separate page for displaying all the angry replies you get. Double the laughs! OMGHOWDAREYOU SDBFHGDDBFH -COMBUST- The sad thing is, sites like these DO get an inordinate amount of hits, but only because there are far too many stupid people on the Internet. Birds of a feather flock together.

  25. Jordie said:
    On August 2, 2006 at 6:29 am

    Er, you did mention the disclaimer. Pardon me, I’ll read things more carefully in future. o_o

  26. Jordan said:
    On August 2, 2006 at 6:31 am

    Psh, how dare you say that img tag. Don’t you use that when you want your images to magically play through your computer’s sound system?! *scratches head*

  27. Vera said:
    On August 2, 2006 at 6:57 am

    I’m not going to ask “what’s wrong with the img tag”, I’m going to ask “what the beep is it supposed to accomplish?” Right next… at first her fon size (on the blog) didn’t seem that small, but then some stuff on the sidebar is… not to mention the headings. Aaah… distributing fonts, well some people allow this you know. Problem is, when they say something like “these don’t belong to me, but you HAVE TO LINK BACK to show you’ve downloaded them from here”… now that’s what I call cheek (to be polite). That’s one truly deserving site of pants. Oh yes, what’s on the pants? A football? A bird?

  28. Tiddley said:
    On August 2, 2006 at 8:09 am

    Wow, even if I do know little about coding (my knowledge extends to the fact that a b in square brackets in html makes things bold :D), and even if I did only get as far as “If you have to ask what’s wrong with that, stop reading now.” you rock at it. So uh, yay Jem! :)

  29. Riitta said:
    On August 2, 2006 at 10:27 am

    @Vera: To me it looks like Snoopy with some sort of a hat on. Hehehe, the pants award is excellent. X) Loving your writings, Jem.

  30. kachii said:
    On August 2, 2006 at 1:15 pm

    omgzwtfbbq… No, seriously. What the hell? I can’t even comprehend most of the stuff she’s put on the site. And, to be honest, I’ve never come across a website online that hurt my eyes as much as this one does. I have a ‘disease’ (yeah right, just a condition) wherein my eyes are oversensitive to light/bright colours (I’m supposed to permanently wear sunglasses :P) – and her site poses a huge problem for me. I can’t stare at it for more than a few moments at a time, so I can’t read much of the content. Not to mention the font is barely legible. And what’s up with the cursor? I can’t tell where to click. Wtf x_x; /me is confused as a blonde should be I think she has img-itis. img tags solve every problem in the world, didn’t you know? “I get around 5,000 [hits] each day so you will likely get some new visitors (and trust me my visitors are cool so you can’t go wrong). You can read the ad page for more info if you wish.” Only after this ;) … I get kinda angry, it’s people like her that gives webdesigners and kate/katy/katies a bad name x_x;;;; But the amazing thing is, there are huge numbers of websites out there like this one that make me want to gauge my eyes out and write huge essays to them about why what they’ve done is bullshit/hypocritical. Thanks for writing this, it’s brightened my day.

  31. Seven said:
    On August 2, 2006 at 1:46 pm

    That is an incredible find Jem. Wow…my head hurts after 8 seconds of looking at that site.

  32. Stephanie said:
    On August 2, 2006 at 2:02 pm

    Since I already have a headache and everyone else is bemoaning their eyes after viewing the page, I’ll forego the experience and take everyone’s word on it that it’s pretty much grotesque ;) And I play my images through my speakers all the time, I can’t believe you didn’t notice :(

  33. Alys said:
    On August 2, 2006 at 2:41 pm

    He He, stereotypical teenage weblogs – what WOULD we do without them? Learn to write decent code and to pick out suitable colours and font sizes, and only then may you write a tutorial. It begs the question how you find all thses crappy sites Jem! :)

  34. Alys said:
    On August 2, 2006 at 3:08 pm

    Just an addition to the previous… The thing that most amuses me about her site are the morons that comment on her blog entries. 3 differentpeople thanked her for her downloading fonts tutorial because they were obviously attempting to download fonts with no sucess. One of them “was just trying to figure that out yesterday with no luck! props!” What the hell does ‘props’ mean? Is it a reference to objects used in theatre? I’m going to have to assume it is because there is no other entry for it in the dictionary. They may not have Kate’s level of intelligence, but SURELY they wouln’t just make up a word…

  35. Amelie said:
    On August 2, 2006 at 3:26 pm

    I love this part in the downloading fonts tutorial: “Then hit hp_owner”. Um, ok then. I guess my computer must be crap because omgah I don’t have an hp_owner folder!1!11 IV BEEN HAX0R3d!1!!

  36. Xeronia said:
    On August 2, 2006 at 4:22 pm

    Every time I see a site like that, I leave and never come back. Most teenagers are insolent and really don’t pay attention to what they’re doing. But then, as a teenager myself, I probably shouldn’t say that.

  37. Becky said:
    On August 2, 2006 at 6:25 pm

    Yea, that girl is a show off, in my opinion. Sometimes, she annoys me.

  38. Robbie said:
    On August 3, 2006 at 6:10 am

    I didn’t know privileges such as these were supposed to cause the gouging of one’s eyes. But yeah, since it’s her “legal right” to put whatever she wants on the site… Even if it does cause blindness. Seeing is overrated anyway.

  39. Jordie said:
    On August 3, 2006 at 10:32 am

    Alys: “Props” means the same thing as “kudos”, basically, “good on you”.

  40. Kathleen said:
    On August 3, 2006 at 5:58 pm

    On her bio page, I think she may have forgotten her first name. She first says her name is Katryna, then Kate, and finally Katya. Which is it?

  41. Alys said:
    On August 3, 2006 at 7:03 pm

    Okay, i didn’t know about ‘props’, it’s not the sort of word I expect in normal conversation. The thing that’s most anoying me now is that whenever you click the back putton the page stays in exactly the same position (vertically), so I sit there thinking her site isn’t loading, and finally clocking on that I have to scroll up!

  42. Mike Haddad said:
    On August 4, 2006 at 1:03 am

    Java > Javascript. You can quote me on that.

  43. Miri said:
    On August 4, 2006 at 2:24 am

    I love reading your reviews because you’re so blunt. In fact, I love reading your reviews so much I’d be very happy if you take my disgusting little site and rip it to shreds. I’m serious – I want to become a web designer in the future, and with the sort of stuff I’m putting out at the moment, I can tell I’ve got a long way to go. Telling me exactly what sucks on my website (most of it, I’m sure) would help me a LOT. I’d also like to add that I was the little bitchy teenage newbie who made a hate site to the Quilting Bee. Of course, it’s gone now. I wouldn’t think that way anymore (it was a disgusting little “site” anyways) because it makes sense now why I was rejected, haha. Don’t know if you saw it or not, but either way, I sincerely apologize for that.

  44. Jordie said:
    On August 4, 2006 at 11:07 am

    Well, Miri, you can always submit to Review-You. You don’t need to wait for Jem to review your site.

  45. Li Lian said:
    On August 4, 2006 at 3:26 pm

    She is quite the genius *cough*. I actually remembered telling her a long time ago that the iframe thing, and the repeating content-box background…and her iffy tutorials, could use fixing, but I think she just went back and used the whole “It’s my site, I do what I want” thing. I mean, sure, I use repeating background columns depending on my layout, but I always make sure it doesn’t repeat past where it should (As in, I just definte it to do repeat-y in the CSS). Eh. Her site looks horrible in my 1280×1024. LULZ AT THE MP3 THING. HAHAHAHA. AND NOW WE CAN PLAY MUZACK USING TEH IMG TAG. LULZ WE PWN. o___O;;. That girl has issues. Hi, Ukrainian :)! I’m Jay. o_O;;

  46. Miri said:
    On August 5, 2006 at 2:03 am

    Yeah, I planned to do that, Jordie, but they’ve closed submissions for the moment (and for good reason too – 23 sites in queue!)

  47. dandyna said:
    On August 6, 2006 at 12:45 pm

    Jem, the best of the best is the tutorial: how to download fonts (?). I mean. Why? Just, why? -____-

  48. Pahn said:
    On August 8, 2006 at 2:01 pm

    I’m almost scared of you reviewing my site – yet you are so wonderfully blunt and amusing. Mostly when I use fonts if I can’t see it (astigmatism) it’s too small and I try to go with – light background? dark font – dark background? light font. But seriously – I suck at coding – I really do but even I saw what was wrong with hers. And stay away from reviewing my site – you’ll damage my poor 20 year old mind hehe.

  49. Frosty said:
    On August 11, 2006 at 5:10 am

    Ahaha, that’d be funny if it wasn’t reality… We need a verson of LJ’s mock_the_stupid for sites like this…

  50. Andie said:
    On November 5, 2006 at 1:39 am

    Yes, i always *loved* her tutorials. I mean, I learn So much from copy and pasting! NOT! And I love how something always happens to her, like she was in a storm or how she found out she was in a rich school. She always has a story to tell on her site. And so many comments, hmmm Im not sure though who exactly they are from! I dont have time to say everything I hate about her and her site, but I would like To say, that this review is wonderful!

  51. Saera said:
    On November 22, 2006 at 8:30 pm

    SHIT YO;; JAY: I actually found your comment funny and emailed Kate with that, but except I wrote “Hi, Ukrainian :)! I’m Saera. o_O;;”, and look what the amazing KATE~*~*~ replied back: Uneducated much? Technically, I’m Canadian…have you heard of citizenship? Nice try though, better go hit the books and familiarize yourself with the rest of the world =) Lmao. Unless you claim that “Seara” is a which case I hope to god you’re kidding. -Kate Jeez. That girl makes me laugh.

  52. Lindsey said:
    On December 28, 2006 at 1:58 am

    This is one of the RUDEST sites I’ve ever read. It’s a great site & is very helpful. No need to be jealous & right rude things about it.

  53. Hillarie said:
    On December 31, 2006 at 5:49 pm

    Ya know what? Kate and Jessica are extremely similar…hmm. Partners in destroying the web, maybe?

  54. Josh(ua/y) said:
    On February 2, 2007 at 8:32 pm

    A really late post, but golly, i am amazed to look at the heading. WOW! It is massive! It takes up the entire browser window and takes 20 seconds to load even on a 7.7mbps broadband connection. How is it possible? Kate must have to pay a fortune to the web hoster.

  55. Kitten said:
    On February 26, 2007 at 5:18 am

    Is there any “teen site” out there that doesn’t contain the exact same “content”? Inane tutorials on useless topics no one cares about, idiotic “brushes” no sane human would ever use, and yawn-tastic fonts, animated crap, and smilies. It’s like they all go to the same repository of suckage to find generic, worthless fodder to cram into their site so they can claim they made the entire thing for a reason, when in reality all they wanted to do was screw around with Photoshop. That’s what I have to say about that.

  56. Grant Mc said:
    On February 26, 2007 at 9:50 pm

    I think the web pages has changed since this post!

  57. Kayla said:
    On March 2, 2007 at 8:52 pm

    You guys a dicks. Kate’s website is the bomb. She helps me so much.

  58. Luke said:
    On March 30, 2007 at 3:19 pm

    thats kinda funny! but its sad that you slag other peoples stes off. I think you should start keeping your opinions to your self. its just not fair! what have you got against other people! the girl tries her hardest to make a descent site and you shit on her! whats the point? do you get some kind of kick out of it? and the same for, if you dont like it, dont visit it.

  59. Sarah said:
    On March 30, 2007 at 9:28 pm

    Quite funny reading that. veryone’s opinions and things, and the style of writing is funny. Except what your talkng about isn’t really funny. Well in my view, she’s just another teenager who made a website, but considering she’s 16 and still in school, I’d say her site is pretty good! The comments here are getting kinda personal. I’ve never met her, I’m sure most of you haven’t. Go ahead, make fun of her website but its cruel bullying when you poke fun at her. After all, no one likes a bully. =/

  60. Lucy said:
    On June 15, 2007 at 12:53 am

    All the stuff you wrote on this page is true! Yes, she did take oother persons credit but then again, should you have made an embarrassing site, to destroy hers? Anyways. . .not everyone is as great as you. I think you make a great site, but please don’t trash others. Have a spectacular day, and bless you.

  61. Jem said:
    On July 23, 2008 at 7:18 pm

    As this post is receiving more traffic (& anonymous comments) since Kate had her website hacked – boohoo – I thought it might be worth mentioning a few things:

    1) I am not, nor have I ever been jealous of her. I have nothing to be jealous of.

    2) I receive more traffic than she does.

    3) I actually do not care how ‘boring’ people find my design, because surprise surprise – people don’t read my website because it’s pretty.

    4) I do not approve anonymous comments, and believe me I will check your e-mail address. If you want to pretend you have balls enough to have an opinion, at least put your real name/e-mail to it.

    Have a nice day. :)

  62. Martini said:
    On July 24, 2008 at 3:57 pm

    Although (years ago) when Kate was first starting her site on Neopets (a lot of these teen girls, including me, started there) she denied helping me with help on my graphics, I must say- I am very impressed with her site. I like the designs and the small text. It doesn’t look boring and it stands out.

    I feel so bad for her, that her site was hacked. I go there on help with my graphics and use her credits page to get some brushes, psds, etc. I know how much work goes into making those sites: all the creativity and the dedication. It took me years to get my graphics just as good as hers and I would be totally hurt if someone destroyed it for no reason.

    You guys should be ashamed for blasting her like this. She hasn’t done anything to you guys. And I do think that having her own site gives her the ability to make tutorials. If she can do it, why not help people that like her graphics try to do the same? I like her pretty designs because they’re attractive and makes me want to see more.

    I am sooooo not a friend of hers but, I just think this whole thing is so wrong.

  63. Emma said:
    On July 24, 2008 at 4:52 pm

    Good on ya Jem. Someone needs to tell people that these ‘popular sites’ are not as good as they seem.

    I’m shocked she got hacked though. I liked her brushes =(

  64. Zack said:
    On July 26, 2008 at 3:22 am

    Wow, no one cares what you have to say. Just because people like, and use her site constantly, doesnt give you the right to say that it sucks. Unlike you, she has talent in her graphics and has worked hard for everything shes done. Just because you can manage to put a blog on your domain, doesnt make you amazing either sweety, so stop with all the bullshit, and get a life.

  65. Vitalis said:
    On July 26, 2008 at 8:48 pm

    Talent in her graphics? Get over yourself. Take away the celebrity stock images and the thousands of brushes layered on top of that image, and what do you have? A lost cause.

    I would think plenty of people care about what Jem has to say.. I mean, look at all the comments mocking your Goddess Kate.