Become a l33t PHP Ninja in 10 Easy Steps

Follow these tips and be l33ter than me in no time at all…

1. Rename your files to “.php” and chuck in a couple of PHP includes (sorry, I meant “headers and footers”) for good measure — because that’s all PHP is, right?

2. Take an already crap script, make a couple of even crappier changes and redistribute it under a new name.

3. Create a script full of insecure and wonderfully superfluous coding. When you’re told it’s wank, don’t bother to look up the problems, just get as much free help/code as possible (and whine when you don’t understand the basics).

4. When you’re told for the second, third and/or fourth (+) time that your script is not good, don’t remove it, just add TEMPORARILY CLOSED DUE TO SECURITY ISSUES in teeny-tiny almost invisible text, that no one will pay attention to anyway.

5. Distribute (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) a very poorly coded script with full instructions on how to get your site hacked.. I mean, err, install the script on your server.

6. Write some really greeeeat PHP tutorials, because nothing speaks talent more than yummy hackable code!

7. Impress everyone with your PHP knowledge by implementing some groovy ‘dynamic navigation’ — page.php?x=about.html could not get any cooler (and it doesn’t matter that by adding the URL of a remote malicious script to the end, your entire account can be wiped out in about 5 seconds flat).

8. Install CuteNews! Because there’s a real hard script to use and everyone will wonder how you managed that.

9. Try and make someone look stupid — it doesn’t matter that you aren’t really sure of your facts, people will respect you for going out there and having a say. (But be prepared to move your site when you’re proved wrong; everybody loves a sore loser.) I standeth corrected.

10. The crème de la crème: write your own blog script. This makes you a true PHP master, and even entitles you to nick WordPress themes, edit them a bit and remove the credit that should really go to a bloody good designer. Power to you!