If I know what love is, it is because of you

 |  Personal, Relationships

If you follow me on social media at all (you all follow me on social media, right?) you’ll know that Gaz asked me to marry him last week. I was lying in bed on Sunday morning, having not long woken up, and Gaz just randomly stated “we should get married”. I wasn’t sure I’d heard him right, and he was on his phone, so thought maybe he’d said someone else was getting married. I responded, bewildered, “what? why?”

I clearly know how to respond to a marriage proposal with class and the appropriate level of excitedness.

After some discussion during which we established that he wasn’t just pulling my leg, that he really was asking me to marry him, etc etc, I obviously said yes. Who wouldn’t want to marry a man that is hilariously funny, super intelligent, kind, patient, calm and most importantly of all, puts up with me?

So I am engaged. And it is a truly bizarre feeling. Firstly, because this means that someone genuinely loves me enough to want to spend the rest of their life with ME. Secondly, because I have never particularly planned to get married, I have no idea what I’m doing. Thirdly, because suddenly everyone wants to be involved in my relationship which, while lovely, is also oddly intrusive and weird. For someone who is generally a chronic oversharer, my desire to not share THIS (hence not announcing it for nearly a week) feels out of character even to myself.

I guess it doesn’t help that I don’t really ‘do’ weddings, generally. There are several wedding traditions that rub me the wrong way. I’m not interested in being walked down the aisle (especially so in a church setting, because I can think of nothing more hypocritical) or wearing a giant puffy meringue dress. I don’t want to spend a fortune on flowers and favours and frills and all that pomp and ceremony. (No offence to anyone who likes that stuff, this isn’t a judgement.)

On the flip side, being married to Gaz seems 100% right. There is nobody else who gets me like he does, who makes me laugh like he does, and whom I trust so wholly and completely. And I want people to know that, and to see/understand the depth of my feelings for him. I’m just not sure how to share that without letting people in.

(“If I know what love is, it is because of you.” — Hermann Hesse)

Jem Turner jem@jemjabella.co.uk +44(0)7521056376

16 comments so far

  1. adastra said:

    Congratulations! :D

    And OMG, you’re like me! I could never ever picture myself wearing a white frilly dress, walking down the aisle in a church (I’d NEVER get married in a church) or dancing with my partner at the wedding party. For as long as I could think, my idea of a wedding was more like a parody of a wedding. It would be fun to get married on Halloween and dress up as something way more exciting than a bride.

    • Jem said:

      Thanks lovely! :)

      My current plan is to run off with Gaz and get married ‘in secret’. Everyone can celebrate with us afterwards, heh :)

      • Lee said:

        One of my friends did that, got married on some beach up in Scotland and invited everyone to celebrate the wedding a few weeks later. Congratulations by the way.

  2. Hev said:

    I don’t plan on getting married, but have decided that if I ever do then I will marry either at the justice of the peace, close family only ceremony & then have a gathering (no dancing) party with cake, friendship, & mingling. No presents, no dancing, no meal. Just my friends getting together & having a nice semi-quiet get together.

  3. Angela said:

    I totally get what you’re saying. Do what you want to do for the wedding. Everyone else can be damned, it isn’t there wedding. That’s what I did and I have no regrets. I didn’t spend a ton, and had a good time, that’s really all that matters!

  4. Tanya said:

    Do it your way love! I had no dress, no speeches, no big do… Just a very small civil ceremony for immediate family only followed by a meal. No regrets at all.

    And once again, congratulations! xx

  5. Audrey said:

    Congrats! Have fun. My situation going into marriage (never wanted to, not really into weddings or tradition, etc) was VERY similar. We had a fun, small, casual ceremony with close friends that was sorta like a fun party. Just strive to enjoy it and make it easy on yourselves. (: I’m very happy for you!

  6. Jennifer said:

    Congratulations! That’s a lovely story to share (because it was a conversation, not a grand gesture) and I love your thoughts on weddings because I agree wholeheartedly. My current plan is a trip to the register office and a day out at a zoo with the family in lieu of a reception, lol, so there are certainly plenty of ways to avoid pomp and ceremony.

    I’m so happy for you, Jem. :)

  7. Kya said:

    That is really wonderful. I truly hope that this may be a new chapter in your life. <3 I am also glad that there is someone who cares about you and wants to be there for you. The fact that it has happened now is also great. You have been through a lot recently, and he obviously deeply cares about the real you.

  8. Melissa said:

    Congratulations! My husband and I got married at the courthouse. I always thought I’d have a wedding and thought that maybe after we secretly ran off to get married, we’d have one a few years later, but now with kids, a mortgage, bills, I just can’t see the point in spending so much money just to entertain /other/ people. Maybe one day we’ll renew our vows in some exotic location, just the two of us, but I can’t see doing more than that. Don’t worry about traditions – do what works for the two of you! I’m so happy for you!

  9. Amanda said:

    A belated congrats! I saw this ages ago on the Snark page and thought it was great — but reading about the details here is even sweeter. For some reason engagements that spawn out of relationships and mindsets like this — where you’re not obsessed with the wedding and frills and all that — really warm my heart. I feel like this is what it’s supposed to be about. And then the wedding day itself is kind of just one big party you can celebrate with everyone you love and care about, etc. Rather than the wedding being the damn focus of everything. A lot of people really need to focus on their relationship, rather than the concept of *marriage*, I feel…

  10. Belinda said:

    Congrats again!! One thing I learnt from when I did research for my own wedding is that there are TONS of women out there who don’t do the whole traditional, expensive wedding thing, myself included. The day is to celebrate the love between yourself and Gaz, you can really celebrate however you like (or not at all if that’s what you want).

    Tim and I ended up having a small private ceremony at a science museum followed by a small reception with family. We walked down the aisle together and our cake was our favourite ricotta cheese cake. Our small wedding budget meant that we can spend more of our money on a cool honeymoon instead!