Finding my feet

It is now approximately 2.5 months since Gaz and I mutually agreed our relationship was no longer viable as it was, and just over a month since he moved out.

I found the first few days after he left sweet AF. Could have crowned me the Queen of Smugdom as I woke up easy breezy, did the chores, walked the dog, sorted the kids, fed the horde, knocked out a full day’s work, walked the dog again, fed the horde again, walked the dog again (it’d be a lot easier if my dog wasn’t scared of peeing in the back garden), did some more chores, and fell into bed having completed All The Things. I bought brown bread and orange juice with bits and was living the high life. Yes, brown bread and OJ with bits is the pinnacle of living in my little world.

And then kids wanted friends over, or had additional commitments which occupied brain space I didn’t have, long training runs pre-Manchester marathon sucked up energy I couldn’t spare, money worries filled my waking thoughts (and some of my sleeping ones), the dog developed a random limp (he’s fine), things went wrong at work, I got a cold, and my little perfect world crumbled. I did some tears, snot and all, and realised that I was very much focused so intently on keeping Everything In Order at home and at work, that I was abandoning myself and my needs… and this never ends well. For anyone, tbh.

I’d like to say this is the part where I flipped a magic switch and suddenly was able to balance everything super perfectly and I’m all smug and happy again but life doesn’t quite work like that. I did decide to prioritise getting back into a gym routine because that is crucial to my mental health, and as of today I’m on my third consecutive scheduled workout. I decided to stop being quite so frugal and we had fish and chips on a night I was exhausted last week. I decided that some nights I just can’t be arsed to do the dishwasher before bed and that’s ok. I took a random day off work and the odd hour here or there and nobody died (although some clients like to make you think they might).

I need to work on balance, and that’s quite hard as an “all or nothing” person, but… I’m finding my feet.


Deja vu part two

In my previous post, in which I announced the separation from my husband and likely impending doom of trying to buy him out of the mortgage, I joked that I might have to do Project £20k again. I probably shouldn’t have tempted fate, because as it turns out that this is the number that Gaz… read full entry »


Deja vu, here we go again, etc

Long term readers (are there any other type now? pretty sure I don’t get any new ones these days 😂) may recall that in 2014 after splitting from my ex – the children’s father – I launched “project £20k” to raise funds to buy my ex out of our joint mortgage. Well, as it turns… read full entry »

A dirty secret

About this time last year I blogged about the chaos that was life at the time (nothing has changed, for the record) and one of the things I mentioned in passing was that I had nearly broke my marriage after fundamentally changing the very foundations of our commitment For the astute amongst you, you may… read full entry »

Sex, Sexuality and Consent

When I was, ooh… 17 years old (give or take) I wrote a “dirty” poem for the man I thought I was in love with. I don’t remember the words, but I remember it was a little bit rude, a little bit “naughty”. That poem didn’t go down well. The recipient freaked the fuck out… read full entry »

Identity

I was having a conversation with Gaz in bed the other day. You know the type: snuggled up in bed, pillow talk, vulnerabilities exposed, all that shit. And this deep, meaningful conversation — the sort of conversation I can only truthfully have with my fucking wonderful husband — made me suddenly realise that over the… read full entry »


First the plans, now the goals

Off the back of my post about plans for 2017, and following a conversation with my darling husband last night during which I got defensive more than once (even though he spoke the truth) I woke up with fire in my belly. Taking advantage before noisy children and the realities of my todo list extinguish… read full entry »