Although my parenting ‘method’ is very much make-it-up-as-you-go-along, I have a set of core principles that I believe are important to creating well-rounded little human beings.
Autonomy
I strongly believe in a level of autonomy for my children. Primarily this means bodily autonomy: the freedom to make choices about themselves without judgement or coercion. This means being able to choose if they want to kiss or cuddle a relative (or even me). Choosing whether or not they get their hair cut (and recently, doing it themselves… ouch). Choosing what clothes they wear (within reasonable seasonal / social restrictions, i.e. I encourage them to wear a coat in winter, and to not strip naked in the middle of Tesco). I like to think that if children understand from early on that they have a degree of control over their body, they are less likely to accept unwanted attention as something that is “ok” or “allowed” should that ever occur.
Because who doesn’t like mowing the lawn in their underpants…
Freedom
I feel like I’m raising my children in a culture that is defined and imprisoned by a bogeyman-like threat. An invisible but ever-present scary monster masquerading as the “bad men” who will kidnap our children and do unspeakable things to them. The Daily Mail would have us believe that our streets are lined with rapists and child abusers.
I don’t believe in it, I don’t believe we should be controlled by it, and I certainly don’t think my children’s lives should be unfairly restricted because of it. As such I encourage my children to play unsupervised — I am the parent who goes to the park and sits away from the play area enjoying a coffee. I encourage them to seek adventure — with unrestricted access to our jungle of a garden there’s plenty of mischief to be had. I send Isabel to the local shop for bread or milk — it’s four houses down and never out of sight but to her is a sign that she’s a trusted, responsible, contributing member of the family which boosts her self esteem. Freedom to be, to do, to explore, to play: without interference and direction.
Self-sufficiency
From the moment my kids were able to navigate the world independently, I’ve encouraged them to do so. They are encouraged to walk as soon as they can walk. Fetch their own toys as soon as they can reach. They brush their own teeth, make their own toast, tidy their own room, put their own clothes in the washing machine, scrape their plates (and so on). It doesn’t always go well; teeth sometimes need a second brushing and breadcrumbs in my butter makes me wince, but practice makes perfect. There are days when Izzy ‘forgets’ how to dress herself and wants to be babied and days were Olly is being so fiercly independent that he won’t let me swap his left-foot-right-shoe with the right-foot-left-shoe but 9 times out of 10 they do OK, and I know that I can get on with things I need to do without answering calls of “muuuum” every 30 seconds.
Isabel, 18 months, “mopping” the carpet
Respect
Because I know what my kids can do when left to get on with it, I find it much easier to respect them as little independent beings. I respect them enough to assume that they can do ‘stuff’, rather than needing me to do it for them. I respect them enough to talk to them like people, with grown up words and not baby language, and respect their ability to ask when they don’t understand. I try and demonstrate respect to my children so that in turn they will learn to respect the world around them.
Love
Lastly, but most importantly, I surround my children with unconditional love and affection. Because what kind of life is one without love?
02 Sep at 3:37 pm
Gahhh I wish we lived closer so we could hang out with all our kids. We have very similar philosophies. I am impressed Isabel can go to the shop by herself! Wesley could do it, I think, maturity-wise, but he’d want me to go with him for sure because shyness.
02 Sep at 3:43 pm
I would totally love to hang out with you <3
Izz was really nervous the first time, so I stood about halfway down the road. The second time I stood in the front garden and then the last few times I've just stood in the window. She has always been a really shy kid, so this is massive for her :)
02 Sep at 6:10 pm
I love this post. I don’t have kids, but I feel 100% about these principles. You articulated the need for each one so succinct and clearly, which is awesome!
03 Sep at 10:04 am
Thanks Audrey :)
02 Sep at 7:07 pm
A woman after my own heart. I have much the same principles as you and hate to try and label my parenting style – it’s just parenting. 😊
03 Sep at 10:04 am
Sometimes I loathe to even call it parenting.. just “getting through the day the only way I know how” ;)
03 Sep at 2:04 am
I agree with all of what you said and I know that my goal will be to get to that point with my son once he’s born, but I’ve also learned enough as a teacher to have some breathing room in that. I can’t say now who my kid will be, what he’ll face, and how he’ll handle things so I can’t say for sure “this is how it will be and how it will go.”
We’ll see how it goes!
03 Sep at 10:05 am
Absolutely. If there’s one thing having kids actually taught me is that every preconception, virtually every idea of how I thought parenting my children would be… it’s all irrelevant once they actually arrive!
04 Sep at 11:08 pm
I really like your style, and I think it will align with my own style once we enter the parenthood phase of life. We’ll see how it all pans out once we actually have them though, because like you mentioned, planning before kids is just crazy-talk ;)