Splash Pages Suck

I’ve always considered that the purpose of web pages is to get a point across. That point can be anything from a business aim with benefits such as increased profits, to a personal website which tells the world about your day, your life or what you think about certain subjects (a bit like the “scribblings” on this website).

The quicker a user can find the information that they’re searching for, the less frustrated the user is likely to be. Less frustration means a better overall impression of the website and thus higher chances of the visitor returning, bookmarking the page or passing the word on to friends (word of mouth is one of the quickest ways to gain visitors). So, considering this point, why is it that people feel the need to actually interrupt the flow of a website as well as putting up more barriers between the user and the content?

As if barriers and extra clicks weren’t bad enough, I question why on Earth any person would want to restrict their possible audience by listing the aforementioned requirements? Earth to moronic “web designers”: it is your job to cater for your visitors, not the visitors job to cater for you. Of course, there are times when a short notice might be needed to notify users that cookies should be allowed to maximise site performance, or that JavaScript is used for interactive purposes—but what kind of requirement is “an open mind?”

If you’re one of those stupid people who feel the need to interrupt my browsing with a splash page, I’ve compiled a list of requirements that you’re not to add otherwise I will be forced to smack you violently:

No Splash Just Enter

Not a requirement as such but deserving of the top spot. If a page listing no splash just enter isn’t a splash page, then what is it? Not only does this automatically make the website creator a liar, but a time waster too.

An Open Mind

If I had an open mind my years worth of collected knowledge would seep out and then I’d be left as dumb as those with pointless splash pages. The chances are that someone’s going to disagree with at least one thing on your website no matter how “open-minded” they are.

Respect

Respect is earned, not something I dish out to people simply because they demand it on their webpage. Lack of respect is not going to stop any of your pages from displaying (your crap coding will do that for you).

Love For [insert name here]

..and if I don’t love [insert name here], is it going to stop me clicking your probably oversized entry image? Are you going to hunt me down if I enter your site and state on your guestbook/tagboard/comments system (delete as applicable) that I hate [insert name here]?

Ability To Sign The Guestbook

The only reason why I’d be likely to sign the guestbook after seeing this requirement is to shout at you for having such a stupid splash page. I’m not going to sign your guestbook if your site is shit and the only way I can find that out is by looking. By telling me I need to sign the guestbook to enter you are asking the impossible of me.

1202340×945902 resolution

I’m not going to resize my screen resolution just to view your website. There are multiple ways to code for different resolutions so get off your arse and learn. (Hint: a fluid layout is always a good start.)

PHP / PHP includes

PHP is a server side scripting language and is therefore processed by the server before it even reaches the browser therefore the only person who needs PHP is the person/company hosting your website.

Tables

Find me a commonly used browser created within the past year or so that doesn’t support tables and I’ll give you a fiver. Better still, get rid of the table tags which control the appearance of your layout: that’s not what they’re for.

There’s just eight things I don’t expect to see on any splash page, ever. If I do see these stupid, stupid requirements I will be forced to add your website to my crap list and thus put you in line for a scathing review. You have been warned.

Page last modified: April 6, 2008