I started writing a blog post about anxiety yesterday, and perhaps ironically my own was so strong that I ended up deleting it.
I spent most of yesterday hiding: hiding from the world, hiding from myself. I was supposed to be going for a run… with a half marathon fast approaching it would be silly not to. And yet despite getting out of bed and putting on my gear I just could not bring myself to leave the house. I spent half of the day trying to distract myself from Dark Thoughts that can only mean my period is fast approaching. I ended up having a long hot bath, a hot chocolate and finished reading Amy Liptrot’s The Outrun (more on that another day though)
By the time Gaz got home, despite having talked myself out of going to taekwon-do, he talked me back into it and so I got changed, and we set off. As we approached the community center, I glanced in through the windows and saw something I did not want to see: our principal instructor was taking class.
Now, I have a lot of respect for this guy. He’s obviously passionate about taekwon-do, he’s very good at what he does and he has clearly worked very hard to get to the grade he’s at. But he scares the shit out of me. Absolutely terrifies me. If he said jump, I wouldn’t just be asking ‘how high’, I’d be asking ‘how high, Sir?’; I’d be asking if he wanted fries with that, Sir, and whether or not there was anything else I could help with… Sir.
(And I say that as someone with an abject — and obviously completely inappropriate — disregard for people of authority.)
So usually this makes me nervous, and a bit wobbly on my feet, but I crack on. Because that’s what you do, isn’t it? Crack on. Unfortunately yesterday I forgot how to “crack on”. Perhaps exacerbated by missing a few lessons, but almost certainly because a day of Dark Thoughts had left me without the reserves to fight the demons. So I started to shake, and my heart rate quickened, and my breathing became shallow. I tried to control it, but it wouldn’t go away and so I started to panic. Tears welled up in my eyes and I had no choice but to flee.
It’s the first time I’ve been unable to bring it under control in public and that scares me more than anything else. I don’t care about crying or making an arse of myself, I don’t care about people knowing that I have these issues with anxiety or that sometimes shit overwhelms me, but I do care about losing control. Losing control is not an option. I need to be able to just “crack on”.
Alright me duckies, how are we all? You may notice that things look a bit different. I’ve gone a bit old skool, drawing inspiration from some seriously old layouts of mine. Kudos if you have been around long enough to remember the originals. I’ve not finished faffing with it but it’ll do for now. Or… read full entry »
After the touch of reality reflected in the last post — how my over-spending and wastefulness was contributing to an unsteady financial future w/r/t buying a new house — I was already feeling a touch the poorer. So as you can imagine, when my accountant (well worth the spend) did my tax return for the… read full entry »
Feels like ages since I’ve talked about budgeting, and for a reason… with excess spend on frivolities, a loan to pay off two credit cards one of which I didn’t close and am steadily filling back up, an expensive honeymoon (which I barely contributed towards) back in October 2016 and the increased cost of US-based… read full entry »
Off the back of my post about plans for 2017, and following a conversation with my darling husband last night during which I got defensive more than once (even though he spoke the truth) I woke up with fire in my belly. Taking advantage before noisy children and the realities of my todo list extinguish… read full entry »
…to 2016, that is. I figured as I only blogged once in December 2015, and that was to moan about catastrophe upon catastrophe, that I should try and out-do myself this December while I still have time and blog twice! Go me. Getting it in at the last minute (ooer) has long been my style,… read full entry »
I was going to answer my AMA questions in the order they were asked, but having not long come out of a pretty rough few days or so I figured now would be the perfect time to answer Kelly’s question: What gets you out of a funk? The reality with PMDD, which is the root… read full entry »
There are many ‘obvious’ elements to Stardew Valley that took me an incredibly long time to notice/learn. Hopefully by noting down some of the bits n bobs here, other players will catch on quicker (and other players can fill in gaps!) — Stardew Valley, drawing inspiration from classics such as Harvest Moon, is an open-ended… read full entry »
So, the first (proper) question in my recent ‘AMA’ was from Melissa, who asked: Can you provide a comprehensive list of all your animals with names + types + breeds? And also how you manage your litter box organization! ^_^ Now, there should be a page for this, but every time I work on my… read full entry »
Once upon a time I spent many, many hours imparting my wisdom on a range of topics – from web development to security, breastfeeding to working from home as a parent and a huge variety of things in between. Unfortunately I seem to have got sucked into using my blog as an outlet for my… read full entry »
That’s it. The milestone I was dreading has come and gone. We have a lot of ‘seven’ left to go, but that initial mountain has been climbed and conquered. Not made any easier by the organisation of the birthday party, because some bright spark thought that’d be a great idea. For some reason, when I… read full entry »
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.