If you’re following me on twitter or facepoop you’ve probably seen my recent posts about my new nephew, baby Jack. “Unfortunately” this has thrown an already very broody me into the deep end of omg-another-baby thoughts.
My original plan was to wait until Isabel hit 2 as a minimum. This is a) because I want to meet the WHO recommendations for breastfeeding as a minimum (and many kids wean when mama is pregnant) and b) because the idea of herding two kids under 2 fills me with nightmares.
In addition to those two minor factors, there’s one major thing playing on my mind… hyperemesis.
For new readers, or those forgetful sorts, I suffered from hyperemesis gravidarum during my pregnancy with Isabel. From week 6 until the day I gave birth, I vomited. I would vomit anything up to 8-10 times a day. Bear in mind that one ‘severe hyperemesis’ symptom is described as losing 5% of your pre-pregnancy body weight… well, just to give you an inkling of the kind of effect this had on my body: I lost 21% (and 3 dress sizes in the process).
It’s funny really, when I was pregnant in 2009, someone left this comment on Karl’s blog:
Jem is going to be fat. Muahaha.
Irony was, I was anything but; the day I gave birth, my pre-pregnancy jeans not only FIT but were falling off.
Hyperemesis suffers commonly suffer with each pregnancy, and generally it gets worse each time. The very thought terrifies me to my core. Constant reflux, bright red face from broken blood vessels because of the force of the vomit-retch-vomit cycle, complete inability to eat anything with any semblance of taste. Gah, I don’t know how I got through it, just thinking back right now.
And if I survive the constant stream of bile rapidly exiting my mouth, I get to deal with the incessant questions and suggestions from people: “have you tried ginger?” / “wear sea sickness bands” / “eat before you get out of bed” / “overdose on vitamin b12″ / “eat X food at X o’clock whilst hanging upside down” … you get the picture.
And if I get through that, and assuming Isabel DOESN’T wean during pregnancy, I have to balance the weight loss and my nutritional/physical needs with hers. Plenty of mamas nurse through HG but not all of them lose over 40lbs in weight.
But of course, all of this is irrelevant at the minute. Why? Because I’m scheduled for gallbladder removal surgery on November 21st. The removal of on organ which, aside from one attack, has been problem free my entire life. Which isn’t bothering me now. Which might not bother me again. (Can you tell I’m not convinced about this?)
And what about potty training during pregnancy? Co-sleeping with 2? Tandom nursing? Isabel getting jealous? Juggling 2 while I’m on maternity leave? Affording childcare for 2 when I’m not? Work? My next course module in October?
Sigh.
I was going to say something wise but I realised I don’t really have the experience to comment on this :P
Go ahead. I have experience and I can’t exactly see the answer to my problems right now :P
Here is my advice. WAIT!!!! You need to give your body more time to heal & if you are going into surgery then you do not need to be pregnant. The hyperemesis has probably caused minor damage to your stomach & throat so I would honestly suggest waiting until Isabel is two or at the very least weaned. You body will have enough drainage with the hyperemesis without having to deal with needed to provide Isabel with milk also. You don’t want to become so underweight that you damage yourself or the new baby. I know I haven’t had children, but I have watched too many women give birth too fast & watch their bodies fall apart, or watch them fall apart emotionally & mentally because they were not ready. Personally, if it was me I would wait until Isabel was weaned & potty trained before I even thought about getting pregnant. With your surgery you will need to wait about four to six months before adding too much weight on the surgery lines. Or at least that is what I was told by my surgeon. Though why he thought I was going to get pregnant I don’t know, lol. But again, Jem, these are just my suggestions from watching women & from things my mother & grandmother told me.
I’m OK health-wise; recovered fine from the hyperemesis. I’m better off for having lost the weight and my iron levels/etc have recovered. My teeth are fucked because of the constant acid washing through my mouth but there’s not a lot I can do about that :(
I could wait for Isabel to wean, but given that the average global age for natural weaning from the breast is ~ 4 years that’s a looong time…
I would just go for it :P. I think having a second kid falls in the same thought pattern of having the first. If you wait for the perfect moment, it’s never going to happen, because it’s never perfect.
Although, I do appreciate being terrified of the hyperemesis. That would probably be enough to scare me off of having another kid myself.
I’m having this same kind of problem – I didn’t have hyperemesis, but I did have preeclampsia, and like you I have no idea if it will happen again or with what severity, and it makes it difficult to have any kind of informed conversation about the whole thing. So frustrating.
I have probably said this to you before, but Jessica from http://www.balancingeverything.com had hyperemesis with all four of her pregnancies – she might be a resource to you w/r/t the emotional side of things, like how to deal with HG with children in the picture, etc.
I guess if I were you, I’d wait until Isabel was 2 to start TTC, because then you’ll have reached the WHO guidelines for BFing and it will kind of be up to her to decide if she likes nursing through pg / tandem nursing. From what I’ve heard about tandem nursing, some kids nurse through the pregnancy just fine, sometimes your milk dries up and they wean, sometimes your milk dries up and they dry nurse and it hurts, etc. It might be great, it might be not so great, but I think if you wait until she’s 2 to test it out, you’ll have less guilt if she does end up weaning.
As you know, our girls are extremely close in age. Elysia is 25 months and Addisyn is 11 months. When I first found out I was pregnant with Addisyn, I freaked. It was a constant stream of thoughts about dealing with two tots at once, working, affording childcare, or medical bills, or anything else that comes along with kids. I worried about if Addisyn would get as much attention as Elysia did as a baby, how Elysia would deal with having a baby around, etc.
But yanno what, Jem? Just like everything else in life, it works out. You find a way to deal with a situation and move on. Elysia was jealous at first. But now she is overprotective and adores Addi. Some days, I want to rip my hair out with frustration and stress. But those moments, where you look at your children and feel warmth radiating from inside out because they are the most beautiful amazing creatures in existence to you? Worth every. Single. Second.
I won’t recommend going for it now, because it’s up to you. Your life. But me? I wouldn’t have it any other way. The girls are incredibly close. The life stages they hit is one after another, so it’s easy to be prepared. There are a million things that are so great about them being so close in age. :)
I, like you went through hell with HG when I carried Ian however with my next pregnancy not only did I not have HG, I didn’t even have a single day of morning sickness at all. I am certain that you will follow me and not have any problems whatsoever with your next baby.
Whether or not you have the GB removal op is entirely up to you, you will not hear a day when I offer any opinion on that other than to support whatever you decide to do but I also believe that as you have not had any problems since that time I think I would probably not bother. Bear in mind that should any further GB problems arise you could always have it removed via laparoscopic surgery in the exact same manner as they removed the stones before. You could have that done whilst BF’ing the next baby if and when that situation arose.
As for the ‘When is the right time to have another baby’ question – only you and Karl can know that, there is no ‘right’ time to have a baby and as I’m sure you will agree most of all pregnancies are never planned as such and therefore that decision has to be one you are both agreed on, Iz will continue to take her little bit of bubba when she feels the need but you should bear in mind that as she grows, so will her desire for information grow. She changes almost weekly now as her attention span and intelligence expands. You will one day not far from now notice, as all mothers do, that your ‘baby’ is no more and in that place stands a child with an insatiable need to learn. Of course as she changes, so will her needs and as she becomes older she will no longer need to seek comfort in the same way as she does now.
I am certain that you will make the right decisions for you and your family and you know whatever choices you make you have my total support and backing. :)
Cancel the surgery and get the jizz in you!
I am genuinely surprised that your doctor decided on surgery after just one attack! I know that the attacks are horrendous (I’ve had issues with mine) but I think I would rather wait and see if it was a recurring problem before committing to surgery. It is ultimately your decision, of course, but that is my advice. :)
As far as babies go, it sounds like you should try to hold out as long as you can, since that was your original plan. I hope that you’re HG-free when it does happen, but since there’s no way of predicting that before you’re stuck with it, it might be best to focus on the vomiting-for-nine-and-a-bit-months thing instead of the omg-babies-are-cute thing. ;)
Ah, well, I didn’t just have “an attack”, I had a stone blocking my bile duct which caused severe jaundice; it could have caused liver problems (and ultimately death!) sooo.. a bit on the extreme end of things. Plus when they removed the stone they found more in the gallbladder, so it’s quite possible that it will happen again, it’s just impossible to tell when.
I suffer from hyperemesis too… that, SPD, and my seemingly failure at having a normal birth prevent me from hardcore trying for #3.
Well, you *did* say you wanted to lose some weight…
( The above comments seem rather good so I’ll just leave my comment at this. :) )
Haha. I was thinking 10lbs, not another 40 ;)
As someone who had their gallbladder out last summer, I was healed totally in about a month, so I’d think that if you were to get pregnant again after the new year, you’d be okay on that front. The surgery was super quick – I went in at 8am and was home by 2pm. I’m so happy that mine’s gone – I had 14 gallstones – and I honestly haven’t had any problems without it. In fact, I’m doing so much better – for a while there I could eat bananas, rice, and bread or I’d have an attack, while the doctor told me I was too young to have gallbladder problems. >.>
Hyperemesis sounds scary, so I can see why you’re conflicted. I can’t really give any thoughts on the matter since I don’t have kids and probably won’t for quite some time. But good luck with the surgery and I’m sure whatever decision you make will be the right one. :)
I think you just talked yourself out of it :D
plus I recon two kids under 2 is 100 times worse than throwing up all the time! :P
I suffered from HG with my first pregency- I lost about three stone in total?
the only things I could keep down where oranges and chicken curry (WTF?)
With my second I did not have one days worth of sickness.. My oldest was 14 months when I got preggars again, mainly because I have MS I was conncerned that if I left it too long I would have progressed and would be unable to carry a child-and secondly I got pregnant after two weeks (go figure)
The age gap was perfect- still is -DS1 self weaned at ten months, DS2 was still going at 23 months.DS1 was fully potty trained by the time DS2 was starting. I now have a starting Year Three-er and starting Year One-er, with everything in between one was finishing as the other was begininng, they get along like a house on fire and there has never been any jealousy or rivalry.
I say go for it!
“I get to deal with the incessant questions and suggestions from people” .< Granted, my situation is completely unrelated but still.
It's always tricky deciding when to have another baby. Good luck navigating that. Especially considering the upcoming surgery. It seems like everyone I know is having babies and with their cute little toes and chubby little faces flowing in my facebook feed… Le sigh. Hormone torture! But I've resigned to live vicariously for a few more years.
Oops, accidentally used carrots. =P I agree, the continuous stream of repetitive questions and advice is so tiring. I get it a lot but for alternate reasons. Makes me stabby! I’ve become a more taciturn person to talk to these days because of it.
I’m of the belief that there’s never really a right time to have a baby. No matter what your situation is, there’s always some reason a baby wouldn’t be ideal. But it always works out. I wanted a second so bad and even though I knew our situation wasn’t ideal when it happened, by the time #2 arrived, it couldn’t have been a better time for us.
As much as my pregnancies sucked for one reason or another, I could never let that get in the way of future pregnancies. I know I don’t have the slightest idea of how awful it must be to vomit nonstop for 9 months (I never vomited once with any of my pregnancies), so I don’t exactly know how it is to go through what you did, but I’m sure you have no regrets having Isabel and would go through it all over again for her if you had to.
And don’t let the horror stories of two under two get to you. For us, it was SO MUCH EASIER than we expected. We get all the dirty diapers, potty training and all that lovely stuff out of the way all at once rather than over and over again if we were to space our kids further apart.
With all of that said, if I were you, I’d wait till Izz turned two, have the surgery and let things happen from there! Now if only I could shake the thoughts of having #3…
I have two kids and all i can say is that there is never the right time to get another one because then you have to share all your attention. My two lovely kids have 2 years between them and this is maybe the best difference i think ;)
Oh wow, I don’t have children but I do have crohns and what you described what you go through is what I go through with crohns. I don’t know how you handled it, even though I go through similar. If I had a choice to not have crohns I wouldn’t have another child. I don’t have children because I don’t want to carry the gene to my unborn child as the mother has the crohns gene.
Anyway, it’s not a very easy decision to make and I do not envy you. Good luck in whatever you decide :)
Many times the answers to your problems don’t come until you’re faced with actually having to solve them. Aside from your medical issues, which tell me that you should definitely wait a few months after you have your surgery before you even consider getting pregnant again, the other motherly concerns are natural.
Potty training is actually fairly easy if your patient and willing to do what you feel it takes, or it was for me to do considering I had no choice. In all honesty, I had gotten pregnant after just a year of having a child and I realized that it was going to be a struggle to support the new child and having to spend $50 to $100 extra on diapers for an additional child was going to bring me way too close to my financial limit for comfort, so I was determined to potty train my daughter. How did I do this? I took her out of diapers, put her in undies and cleaned up after her, constantly and completely “cold turkey”. Within just a few weeks of the discomfort she faced peeing on herself and endless trips to the bathroom, sitting there for 10 or 15 minutes with her until she finally went potty and then praising her, she actually got the hang of it. I was able to potty train her in just about 2 weeks (with the occasional accident here and there, especially at night) and she didn’t see another diaper until her brother was born.
I only allowed my children to sleep with me until they were about 2 months old. I did keep a crib in my bedroom until they were about 6 months old though. After the stage of having to wake up in the middle of the night for feeding, there is really no need for them to even be in the room and it’s time for them to learn how to “self sooth” as their doctor calls it. I moved my children out of my bedroom around 6 to 8 months of age and when they would cry in the middle of the night, I would go in to check on them and make sure they were alright. No dirty diaper? No stuck legs or weird position? No problem. Crying is not just a babies way of telling you something is wrong but that they want something. If all they want is to cuddle with mommy and daddy, then there really is nothing WRONG. I try to make sure my children are pretty self sufficient and learn how to take care of themselves (to an extent, of course) while still giving them the closeness they need to me. Even now, I am training my 3 year old to make her bed, showing her how to do laundry and wash dishes by my side. It is never too soon to learn how to take care of yourself and I hope that instilling these things at a young age will ensure that they grow up knowing it’s a part of life and at no point should they 100% rely on another individual to provide for them. I also teach them that family is very important and while you are in a family you should HELP to take care of each other as well.
There are no definitive answers on how to answer your questions because these are things that you have to do on your own. There are no rule books or step by step instructions as you most likely know by now, just general guides that other people with experience can give you. It’s always up to you to make the choices that suit you best.
I don’t think you will have a problem with her getting jealous either, all of my girls LOVE new babies and I bet you that if you do have a new baby, she will want to help you take care of him/her. You should even encourage her to do so. Never too soon to instill motherly instincts either.
With a supportive family and community, which you seem to have (at least on the family side from what I can tell), anything is possible.
I hope you the best with your endeavors and hindsight will always be 20/20. You may look back one day and go, “Well, I should have done it this way, it would have been so much easier/healthier/better..” but until that day comes you will never know.
Yeah, your… er.. “parenting” techniques go against everything I believe in, so thanks but no thanks.
As a person who has a sister who’s only 13 months older, I think having two kids close together in age is good for the children because they become a lot closer. I know now, I am closest to my sister. Of course, when we were young, we fought a lot and there was jealousy between us, but that ebbed away as we matured.
I can never help but wonder if “Theresa” is the girl who faked her name a while back…. Just saying.
Your whole post is full of reasons against having a 2nd baby right now – don’t you have any reasons for? :P
1) I want one :D
2) I want Isabel to have siblings
3) A year off work? (haha, kidding)
Yeah, so not as many :p
I’m quite happy not having siblings ;)
But yeah, fair enough if you want to get it all out of the way :)