I was reading Violent Acres today (this is not a new thing, I love that blog) and got sidetracked by Wide Lawns. WL had been invited to guest post on V’s blog, and chose to talk about being judgemental, and the collapse of our society because of other’s lack of willingness to do the same.
What struck me was not the actual post, but a couple of the reactions over on the Wide Lawns blog. As per usual, there are those who decided to take the whole thing a little too personally. “kirili” in particular; she blames WL’s opinion on the fact that she [WL] is married, white, thin, obviously well off and happy. She goes on to state (paraphrasing here) that WL shouldn’t possibly be entitled to said opinion because she doesn’t “understand their societal context
“.
I have to say, it’s the biggest load of bullshit I’ve read so far this year. I’m not married, or thin; I come from a family that for the most part was what you’d consider “poor”; I lived with both my Dad and Mum respectively, along with my 5 siblings, as part of a single parent family. I had to work my arse off to get to where I am — be it a great achievement in anyone else’s eyes or not — because I didn’t get everything handed to me on a plate like a large majority do today. I didn’t go to university and I don’t have a trust fund. I have come through my own struggles, emotional and otherwise.
Yet, despite all this — despite being one of those poor souls affected by society’s ills (sarcasm) — I totally agree with Wide Lawns post. A huge part of the problems in our society today are caused by the people that WL talks about, not the other way around as kirili would have us believe. The majority of these people have to choose their own path, but it’s a lack of ‘negative’ judgement on behalf of parents and peers that allows naive and damaging behaviour to continue. It forms a vicious circle of actions that — although once deemed unacceptable — are suddenly “OK”, “normal” even.
I chose a “better” path. I chose to strive for a good job and a happy home life. I chose to differentiate myself from the majority of my peers (who are saddled with debt, children and little hope of doing anything with their lives). I choose to take responsibility for my future and to distance myself from the mess that others make of themselves. If that makes me judgemental, then fuck it.. I’m proud of it too.
30 Jan at 5:24 pm
I’ve long come to terms with the fact that humans, by nature, are designed to judge. It’s one thing, to judge someone and just stop there. I really admire people who use their judgements to make an improvement in the world. I mean, if everyone just stayed 100% focused on their own lives, nobody would ever see anything wrong, and then nothing would be changed, and then we’d all… blow up. Sometimes, it is good to judge what is not necessarily ideal about the world, to help change it. I’m sure, if you were to look at poverty, and find a way to solve it, nobody would be like, “Oh, you are so judgemental to notice their downfall in the first place.”
30 Jan at 5:43 pm
Funnily enough, my mother called me judgemental this morning. She followed it up with: “you really don’t feel much sympathy for anyone, do you?”. “Nope, not if it’s self inflicted. There’s always a choice. I don’t care what they say.” Still, being judgemental doesn’t mean you’re going to make something for yourself and sometimes it can be a bad thing (you can be “too much” of any quality). And with some people there are definitely better ways of expressing those judgements. Anyway, she irritated me with her “single mothers” rant. I always get annoyed by those, as a person who was raised for 5 or so years by just one parent. Not all single parents lead to poverty and, guess what? Some of them actually work. Not all single parents are incapable, just like not all “traditional families” make a capable and stable home. I agree on the ridiculousness of the comment in response though.
30 Jan at 5:45 pm
@Amber: I didn’t agree with her single mother rant at first either, but if you read her comment on her own site she clarifies, and mentions how it’s specifically aimed at those who are spitting babies out of their you-know-whats faster than the government can keep up. Benefit babies, yay! *rolls eyes*
30 Jan at 6:49 pm
Well, I can’t say I agree with everything in her post. Not even close, actually. Firstly because I am raised by a single mother and I am much happier now than I was when we still lived with my father. Our family functions a lot better than most of traditional families do. As for making something of your life … I agree everyone should try their best. But sometimes, it doesn’t work. Bad decisions happen. Of course, some people’s crappy life is a consequence of their own laziness – but in the end, they have to live their lives. You can try to help them or you can judge them – truth is, not much changes no matter what you do.
30 Jan at 6:55 pm
I quote ” It is impossible for one person to adopt both of these roles effectively. Take one parent out of the equation and the child becomes unbalanced.” My answer to that…What utter bollox! I do not think of you as unbalanced Jem, in fact i think you are quite probably one of the most balanced, sensible, hardworking, down to earth people i ever met. Single parent i may well be, and of course I really don’t give a rat’s ass what people think of me/my kids/my lifestyle etc but one thing I do know for a fact is this, all of my children are/were looked after (no rushing down the pub or bingo every night for me) well fed (with real home cooked food not convenience crap) and have quite probably personal access to more “luxury items” than most of the same age that come from “well balanced dual parent” families. As for the comment about “little girls who grow up not knowing how to find a good man” sorry…… but more bollox! I KNOW that my little girl found herself a very good man, one who looks after her and loves her. I know he will back her in whatever she decides to do with her life and career and support her emotionally though life’s ups and downs. Too many people use single parenting as an excuse to cover up for their own mistakes and failings, so much easier to lay blame elsewhere instead of assuming responsibility for ones own actions methinks.
30 Jan at 8:18 pm
I agree with you and your mum, Jem. Not much else I can say without sounding like an echo.
30 Jan at 9:39 pm
I don’t know whether I’m judgemental or not, and reading that post on VA and your post here has just completely confused me. My head hurts now. I don’t like deep thoughts. :(
30 Jan at 11:20 pm
I’ve gotta agree with her post as well, especially after the clarification as far as single parents. She wasn’t discussing responsible single parents, but the women who pop out babies every year just for the fucking benefits. Which they do. I went to college with a bunch of them who once they finished one major would go to another just to keep the free government checks rolling in, passing classes with a D, showing up once a week, etc. It was ridiculous and it made me ill to watch it, because I was PAYING to be there. Anyway, I’m rambling… I gotta agree with her post though. I know I can be a judgmental bitch sometimes, even though my life isn’t sunshine and roses. The difference between me and alot of the other people on my level is that I’m consciously working towards getting out of this crap. They’re happy to sit back, pop out babies and collect there government checks every month, rather then use it as a step up to getting things back on track.
30 Jan at 11:48 pm
I dunno…I’m fat, come from a crappy house, a dysfunctional family and multiple abusive people in my life and a whole long history of other crap and I don’t consider myself to be judgmental. I hate everybody equally. :)
31 Jan at 1:06 am
Interesting thoughts. I think instead of negative judgement we should instead try to convey constructive cristicism, so people can grow from what the do well and fix what the do not do well. It is in my opinion cruel to judge someone without knowing the complete set of circumstances surrounding why someone is a certain way. Yes, a drug addict is ultimately responsible for his/her actions, but it would be wise not to limit that as the only reason why this person has having difficulties. Not everything comes down to choice no matter how you roll the dice. The dice will not always come out in your favor, so you have to beware of the possibility that despite the best efforts of anyone things can go wrong. Do not judge too harshly, because when the dice do not come out in your favor, people may judge you just as harshly.
31 Jan at 1:15 am
She makes some interesting points, but I take issue with her forcing her morals and values on me. I have no problem with gold digging. Not because I’m not judgemental – I am SO judgemental. I just don’t see a problem with it. No matter how much people try to deny it, both parties are totally aware of what’s happening. IF she wants to come down on anyone, she should come down on the telemarketers who swindle old people out of money with scams and junk. As for her single-parent family comments, most of that is just bogus. The cycle of poverty and ignorance comes from a lack of education, not single-parent families.
31 Jan at 1:29 am
Having standards, judging, telling people they’re in the wrong, and other such things along those lines are fine with me as long as people do them with the intention to help in mind. If someone just goes around judging and snubbing their noses at others for the hell of it, I think that’s crap. I’m not fat; I didn’t grow up poor; I didn’t grow up in a single parent home; I went to a prestigious uni. — but I doubt that I would ever make a grandiose blanket statement about a large group of people (i.e. single mothers), because I like to look at people individually… That’s not to say that I don’t have standards and that I won’t call people out on their crap. It’s just to say that I like to be judgmental on an individual basis. If X is a single mother and an idiot, I’ll call X an idiot and ask her to behave more intelligently — but I won’t project idiocy onto all single women because that would be a gross overstatement and just not true.
31 Jan at 9:19 am
One of the reasons I’ve always done my best at school was precisely because people are so judgmental. What will they say if I’m the last? How will they view me if I a like that. Some would say that one’s school achievements don’t mean much, and no one should care about them. But for e they helped a great deal. On the other hand, being on the internet for so long, I’ve developed a sort of “acceptable” attitude to a lot of things. If she wants to have crappy celeb blends, let her. I don’t care, in the end it’s her crappy site. On the whole, I’m something like “well it’s your life, who am I to tell you no to waste it”, but at the same time “I sure as HELL won’t be following in your footsteps”.
31 Jan at 10:18 am
I’m not a judgemental person, though I agreed with most of what she wrote. However, I was one of 5 children, raised by one parent [mom], living in the projects [because her first husband bought their house there], and in poverty…and I turned out alright, at least I think. heh. Well…I could be slightly judgemental, I agree completely about the gold diggers. It’s just not right.
31 Jan at 3:21 pm
The weird thing is, I was going to write a blog entry about how my friends think I’m too judgemental because I don’t “approve” of the stupid things they do.
31 Jan at 6:01 pm
You certainly did very flipping well if you didn’t go to university and had no trust fund.